you're leaving me breathless.

Holly’s P.O.V.

Monday morning, there was something different about Jasey and Will. There was a kind of unspoken tension that I couldn’t name and it made me uneasy. As soon as Will walked her to her locker and saw me walking towards them, he left before I could even greet him.

“What’s going on?” I asked Jasey.

“Nothing, why?” she answered calmly. She looked at me with a smile then turned to open her door and pick out her books.

“There’s tension. I can smell it.”

“Since when can you ‘smell’ tension?” She laughed, grabbed a book then turned back to me. “Next thing I know, you’re gonna start telling me how you can smell my blood and that you want to drink until I die.”

“I’m serious. What happened Friday that makes Will so stiff?” As soon as I said the words, a thought dawned on to me. My eyes grew wide and a sudden burst of excitement ran through me from head to toe. “You and Will-!”

“We did nothing of the sort, thank you. Naughty, get your thoughts out of the gutter, jeez. There’s just a bit of jealousy going around between Will and a classmate of mine.”

“Jealousy? What’s there to be jealous- … Did you do something with someone else?”

“No. Jeez, Holly, what’s with all the questions? Are you finally writing that biography about my boring life you promised freshman year?” She laughed and so did I but only to dismiss any suspicious thoughts she might’ve had.

“I’m sorry. There’s just a certain air about the two of you that I noticed and I worry something will go wrong. I know how much you like William and to see it fall apart before you guys have even really had any time to enjoy it… It breaks my heart to think about it.”

“Well, since you’re gonna bug me about details anyways, I might as well tell you what happened on our date.”

My whole body perked up as if suddenly it got the shot of adrenaline it needed to get me through the day. She finished getting her binder and writing bag, then turned and started walking to the cafeteria. I followed absentmindedly.

“I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it that far but we talked about stuff in the parking lot on the way to the car Friday so I was actually excited. He picked me up and I ended up going to a gig with him at Sunnydale’s. Ugh, I was so bored but some new guy named Alex in Study Hall happened to be there. Well, I thought he was new but really he just transferred from East High. Anyways, we started talking and goofing off but after the set when the guys were putting stuff away, Pete saw Alex put his arm around my shoulders.”

“HE DID WHAT!?” I yelled. The kids in the cafeteria looked up at me standing on the balcony.

“Shut up, Holly!” She sighed heavily and turned to wave at Will. Pete, Ryan and Alex were next to him. Gabe was a few feet away talking to some girl I knew in Student Council last year.

“Why was his arm around your shoulder?!” I hissed.

“He was showing me the dance move his little sister favors.”

“Oh.” I felt like an idiot.

“Yeah, you should,” she hissed out as if reading my mind. “It’s fine, whatever. So yeah, as soon as Pete saw me and Alex, Will was practically pushed over to us and I introduced them. Will was totally nonchalant about the whole ordeal but Pete, I swear. Sometimes I think he’s trying to sabotage our relationship.”

 

*****

 

It was after lunch and I was at my locker when he approached me. I was a bit in shock when Gabe Saporta stood there, next to me, with a big smile on his face. I didn’t notice him until I closed my locker door and turned to walk to class. We bumped heads.

“Ow.”

“I’m so sorry! I honestly didn’t see you there!” I felt horrible as his notebook and some text book fell to the ground.

“It’s okay. Serves me right for standing so close in your bubble.” He flashed me another smile and shrugged his shoulders.

“You were standing there the whole time?” My cheeks flushed and I felt embarrassed for not noticing.

“Yeah. I’m sorry for startling you and standing in your way. I actually have a purpose for coming here.”

“Oh.” The embarrassment I felt was suddenly replaced by irritation. “Well, what do you want?”

He noticed my change in tone but didn’t lose his calm. “I need your help.”

“With? We don’t have any classes together so I don’t know what you could possibly-”

“I’m supposed to spy on Jasey Rae.” There it was. Out in the open, straight to the point. Just like that. He’s supposed to spy on my best friend and all I could do is stare at him and his gorgeous- “Are you okay?”

“Uh,” I said, shaken out of my train of thought. “Yes but I’m a little taken aback by your answer. You’re being totally serious?”

“Yeah. Pete is on this total control freak high about Jasey being friends with some Alex guy in her Study Hall class.”

“Oh yeah, Jasey told me this morning what happened. If Will is okay with her talking to other guys, why isn’t Pete? He’s not the one dating her.”

“That’s a very valid point, yes, but Pete is already wrapped up in their relationship as far as his reputation goes. He doesn’t want people talking about Will because people might start talking about him too.”

“So, in other words, Pete’s popularity is dependant upon Will’s?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“That’s totally ridiculous. You do realize that, right?”

“I’m just the messenger. Spy. Private investigator. Whatever.” The bell rang and I realized that I was gonna be late for class.

“Oh shit. Great, my parents are gonna flip.”

“Seriously? Over the first bell ringing?”

“My mom is close friends with my english teacher, which is who I have next. I can’t do anything unless it’s perfect. Mrs. Cullen watches me like I’m her own daughter. It’s kinda creepy but not much I can do about it when your parents are brain washed.”

“Brain washed?”

“Yeah. Some religion cult thing that’s going around our neighborhood. My mom might was well just turn in the towel and become a Stepford Wife. Not only that but my parents are freaks when it comes to keeping to schedule. I’m usually the very first one to class, even when I have to wait for her to open the door after lunch.”

“That sounds a little serious.”

“It is. It’s utterly lame, I think but whatever. ‘I’m the kid. I don’t know any better.’ I swear, if my parents gave me half the credit I deserve, I’d be a high school student instead of a middle school student in their eyes.”

“What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Nothing, why?”

“Let’s go for coffee. We can discuss our game plan for keeping our friends in check.”

“You’re volunteering me to be an accomplice? You’re just like them.”

“Like who?”

“Pete, Alex, Ryan. You’re just like them. Cocky, demanding, conniving. Jasey was all hyped up about you being the nicest out of them all but pfft.”

“You forgot ‘strikingly handsome’ and ‘charming’ to the list.” He smiled again and waited for my reply. When I had no comeback., I just sighed.

“Fair enough. What time do you want to meet and where?”

“What’s a coffee place that isn’t too populated by Barrington High kids?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because if we’re going to be partners in crime, we need to build up our appearances together so no one thinks the latter. Think about it: suddenly we’re spending time together out in public when nobody’s yet to see us talk at school more than once? That’s very suspicious if you ask me and just begging for someone to text Gossip Girl.”

“You realize that that show is fictitious, right?”

“Yeah, but I can hope. That Jenny Humphrey chick is pretty cute. She reminds me of you.”

i used to be so much stronger than this.

as i stare at the monitor, my whole body shakes with anticipation, anxiety, frustration. when i stare into the mirror, i want to punch the reflection. i hate who i see and more importantly, the person i don't. knowledge was never my strongest suit and i'm not the brightest bulb in the box nor have i ever been anything close to that but that doesn't mean i like being left in the dark.

that's where i am, the dark. no light switch, no flashlight, not even a cell phone to light up my face. i can't breathe, i can't think, i can't look forward to what tomorow will bring because i'd rather stay sleeping than have to wake up and face the world. it's a cruel place and right now, i'd rather be stuck inside a shell than have to live in reality. i'm clsutrophobic in my own skin and its all because i'm in a place where i can't decide if i'm better off or not.

i thought i was better. i guess i was wrong. i've concentrated so hard on being optimistic that i fooled my mind into thinking that things were improving when really, it was stationary all along. i've always been good at that, making myself believe things when they weren't true just for the sake of saving myself the anguish later. i never understood where that trait came from and i don't think i ever will.

i'll never be able to stick to my plans. i can't stand indecisive people yet i'm the biggest hypocrit of them all. sure, some plans are made to be broken but when you're broken before the plans are even made, there's no point in going in a downward spiral, is there?

maybe that's all i was meant for. late night break downs, tears clouding my sight all the while, my thoughts rush to my brain all at once and the negativity that i've held onto for the last twenty two years of my life flood the fragile gates of clarity. i never pictured my adult years being so hard mentally and emotionally. there really is no point for high school; they don't teach you how to manage depression or budget your bills. yes, they teach you calculus and biology but what does that have to do with realizing your dream career and sticking to your convictions? nothing.

my soul is a great big pile of nothing. my heart has already started to spill it's secrets from overcrowding and my mind? well, my mind never really mattered anyways. life is just one let down after another, some more gracefully disguised than others. my biggest downfall? the person i am now. never once did i imagine myself to be in the shoes i am now nor did i count on the hardships i've faced up to this point. it's taken me years of practice to deal with my emotions all for a few moments of vulnerability in the most unconventional of ways to let progress slip just the slightest. i'll never understand what happened to that girl who held her head up high as she made her way through the crowd as tears ran down her face.

i used to be so much stronger than this.

"Will?" I whispered hoarsely. I took a few steps onto the driveway and took a quick moment to look up at the sky. The stars were out and as beautiful as ever. I brought my head back down and saw Will in front of me. "Hey."

"Hey." He looked into my eyes, smiled, put his hands on my cheeks then leaned in forward as he closed his eyes. I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch mine, my whole body tingling.

I pulled away after I figured out that this was really happening, that it wasn’t some daydream in the middle of speech. Will looked at me with a devilish grin and went to kiss me again but I stepped away.

“What are you doing?!” His grin turned into a frown.

“What’s wrong, I thought that’s what you wanted!?”

“I thought you liked someone else!?”

“I like you, Jasey! Duh!”

“Wait, you like me?! Since when?!”

“Why do you think I have so many pictures of you in my room? Why do you think I’d always try to talk to you at the bus stop? I’ve waited six years for this and I just made the biggest ass of myself… Oh, god.” Will put his hands on his face, most likely to hide his embarrassment.

“Holy shit, you’ve got to be kidding me,” I said, my hands on my face too. I was in total disbelief of this conversation. “You’ve liked me this whole entire time?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled through his hands.

“Wow. I’m sorry if you thought I was weird for not talking to you. I never knew what to say, you made me nervous.” He moved his hands from his face and looked at me.

“I made you nervous?”

“Like you have no idea. I liked you so much but I was always to shy to say anything to you. So, wait. When you were asking for advice earlier, the girl you were talking about was me?” His phone started ringing. He looked at the caller id and sighed right before he answered.

“Hey Pete… No, it was my fault for forgetting… Yeah but it’s taken care of. I finished it a couple days ago actually, didn’t I tell you? …Yeah, okay. I can’t make any promises since I have plans Friday night but maybe Saturday or something we can.”

I watched him talk on the phone with Pete and wondered what he was thinking. It was clear he didn’t feel like talking to him when he pulled the phone away from his ear and hung up the call. A silence kind of fell over the two of us and all you heard was some crickets in the background. We smiled at each other as Will walked back up to me.

“Hi,” he said quietly.

“Hi,” I replied softly. I looked at him as he put his hand on my face again and leaned in for the kiss.

 

*****

“You’re kidding…” Holly’s jaw dropped to the floor as did Roxanne’s and Juliet’s. Since the start of band practice, Maria has been spending most of her time in the band hall in an attempt to get back on the director’s good graces.

Last year, during the talent show, she changed the music the director picked out to honor the school in hopes of making it more hip and up to date with the latest music tastes. Even though the whole student body went for the Green Day presentation, the band director vowed that Maria would never get to march again. What the director didn’t keep in mind until summer was that Maria was the best damn clarinet player in the district.

“Okay, wait! He has a picture of Hayley in his room!? You have to steal it for me…” Roxanne grabbed my arm with wide eyes and started shaking it in excitement.

“Dear god, Roxanne,” Juliet casually mumbled. She rolled her eyes in half sarcasm, half amusement. “So are you two officially a couple yet then?”

“No, not quite. We’re kind of going to keep things a secret.”

“What?! Why?” Holly hissed. “You two are made for each other! What is wrong with you Jasey Rae!?”

“Well, the rest of the student body doesn’t seem to think so. Particularly, his friends. That Gabe kid is pretty chill but I still don’t trust any of them, honestly.”

“Gabe who?” Roxanne asked. I turned my head and saw Will walking towards me, Pete and Gabe with him. Will and Gabe were smiling while Pete looked like a kid pouting from not getting the toy he wanted at the store. My cheeks grew warm and I smiled as I watched them.

“Gabe Saporta?” Juliet asked. Her eyes got wide and she started giggling.

“What’s so funny?” Holly asked.

“Look at Jasey.” I heard my name and turned to the girls who started giggling at me.

“What?” They stopped giggling long enough to give me a funny look that made me start laughing with them.

“Hey,” Will said when he got to me. “So, it’s Thursday and I’d like to know if I’m still getting a ride home tomorrow after school. I know you have plans with someone later so I just wanted to make sure-”

“You have a ride home tomorrow. Besides, my plans aren’t for later in the night if I’m not mistaken.” I smiled.

“Can I talk to you in private for a second?” I looked into his eyes and saw a calm sincerity in them that I couldn’t explain.

“Sure.” He held out his arm, I hooked mine into his and we walked over to a small corner around the end of the lockers. Everyone watched us as we walked. I was relieved as soon as we turned the corner. “What’s up?”

The serious look in his eyes worried me but before I knew it, Will threw his arms around me as he pressed his lips against mine faster than I could process. Chills went down my back and I put my arms around his neck. You could hear our breathing as the kissing got more intense.

 

Friday

The week dragged on and honestly, I was ready for tonight to be over with. Never in my life had I endured such awkward silences or hateful stares from anyone in the school, let alone the rest of the senior class girls.

Our “secret” was no longer a secret and what’s worse, rumors were starting to go around about us. I got so sick of it to the point that I hardly talked to anyone all day, my friends included. In Study Hall, we got a new kid named Alex Suarez. He was quiet but sweet once you started talking to him. We talked the whole class.

He was a few inches taller than me, dark hair and light skin. He liked to make jokes and acts goofy regardless of whether the world is watching or not. His singing voice wasn’t so bad either. I caught him singing to himself before we started talking, when he was doodling on a sheet of paper.

A couple times, i noticed some of Will’s friends walking by the class. Pete was the only one who looked into the window and as soon as I saw his face, I brushed him off and went back to my conversation with Alex. We were talking about his movie tastes when the bell rang for dismissal.

After school was interesting. Will caught up with me and started playing 20 questions. One after another about how my day went, particularly in Study Hall.

“What’s with the third degree?” I asked with a laugh. The walk to the parking lot seemed longer when I realized he stopped walking.

“Pete said-”

“Oh jeez, what did Pete say?”

“What’s with the attitude?”

“Nothing, there’s no attitude. I just, I’m kinda sick of him saying things about me.” I walked to where he stood, his height blocking the sun from my eyes and giving me a perfect view of his face.

“He’s never said anything negative about you.”

“Not to your face, no. I’m not stupid, Will. I know your friends don’t like me because I’m not popular. If this is how its gonna be, I don’t want-” Will put his bag down and put his hands on my shoulders, then rubbed them up and down.

“What are you talking about?”

“Will, you don’t notice the snickers? The rumors going around about me?

“Jasey,” he half whispered. He looked into my eyes and smiled that charming smile of his. “I don’t care what people think about you or me. So what if the whole school knows that we’re dating? I don’t care about my stupid ‘status’ anyways.”

“I know but still. I hate how my friends are dying for details about you but your friends are begging you to not talk about me.”

“Its not like that, ya know. Gabe likes you a lot. He’s happy for me and to be honest, the others just don’t ask. Even then, its their loss. You’re great, Jasey, and if they have a problem with that then they’re not my real friends.”

“I wasn’t expecting us to argue about something so petty, I’m sorry.”

“We’re not arguing, we’re discussing and shush,” he said chuckling. He leaned down and kissed me gently on my cheek. I smiled and we started walking to the car.

 

The Date…

I stood outside the backdoor of the venue. I had no idea who we had gone to see and no idea what kind of music the band played. All I knew was that Will was excited to take me and “knew I’d love it!”

I waited, phone in hand, and stared at the random people walking around. Finally, I see a smiling Will pop his head out of the door with his finger pointing at me, then motioning to come close.

“Why aren’t you inside? We’re about to go on.” His smile turned into a brief state of confusion.

“What do you mean ‘we’ ?”

“The band, duh. You don’t honestly think I’m gonna let you stay out here by yourself?” He walked completely out of the venue and dragged me inside from the sidewalk. Pete, Ryan and Alex were walking around a pile of wires with guitars and drumsticks everywhere. None of them chose to acknowledge me until Will announced my presence five minutes later.

The backstage area looked different, like I was behind enemy lines. I had no idea that he’d taken me to see his band perform instead of an actual date. I was expecting a movie or coffee or something slightly romantic, not to be a groupie all night. As bitter as I was, I still had to keep in mind that the night was still young.

I felt awkward standing in the back by myself so the first chance I could, I went inside the actual venue, where the audience goes. I was right up in front at first but had to use the ladies’ room. When I got back, it was crowded with kids that went to our high school. I stood in the back and watched awkwardly and alone.

It was the third song and I was bored. I checked my phone almost religiously in hopes that someone would text me or call me but no luck. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see the Suarez kid standing next to me.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“I like this band.”

“You’ve heard of them?”

“Well, I grew up in this city. I’m pretty updated on the local bands.”

“I thought you transferred from somewhere.”

“Well, I did. I was at East High but my parents moved into Barrington High territory so I was forced to switch.”

“Oh, serves me right for assuming you’re from another state or something.”

“Nah, don’t even worry about it. So, I can’t figure it out.”

“Figure what out?”

“Why you’re watching the band but seem uninterested.”

“Oh, long story.”

“I think we might have some time. Their set just ended.”

“Oh,” I chuckled. “I was expecting a different set of festivities and I’m kind of bummed. Normally, I’d enjoy this kind of music but my mood can be a real killer sometimes.”

“Understandable.”

 

Will’s P.O.V.

 

I honestly thought she’d have a good time but she looked zoned out the entire set. Granted, it was only three songs but we’re making our way to the big leagues slowly. I don’t like seeing her so blank in her face, that’s never a good sign.

We started putting away our equipment when Pete came running at me from the stage. I opened the doors to the mini van Alex borrowed from his parents and stopped when I saw Pete.

“Dude!” Pete yelled.

“What? Calm down, Pete.”

“No dude, it’s him! He’s scamming on your jelly!”

“My what?!”

“That kid I was telling you about?! He’s here, he’s talking to Jasey right now!”

“Oh jeez, so what? He’s just a kid in her class.”

“But she has that look on her face!!”

“What look?”

“The look of attraction in her eyes…”

“Pete… You’re delusional.”

“No, I’m not! Look at them! See for yourself!”

I walked through the backstage door and peeked around the corner to look at the audience in the venue. It took me a few seconds to find her but I did and she looked beautiful with a smile on her face. She noticed me and waved. I waved back but she didn’t see it. Her attention was focused on a guy next to her, his arm around her shoulder.

give it back to me.

i have so much to say and not enough capacity to express it. i want to explode or crawl in a hole and honestly, i believe that would be the best thing for me. i want to cry until i have no more breathe in my lungs and hold the air tight until i swallow my tongue. the bitterness just grows with that sinking feeling to follow. i don't think i'll ever recover from a demise so shallow.

you took my heart for granted and this time around, i won't welcome you with open arms. it hurts to know that i hate you just as much as i crave your affection but maybe this is what's best, that i embrace the future on my own. keep your excuses, keep your reasons and your lies to yourself. i've had my fill of fillers to last me the rest of this life and the next.

don't come around here, i'm done with your charades. my mask is off with my armor on the table. take me as i am or go straight to hell. not a breath to break the silence, don't write a word 'cause i won't reply. i'm still breathing, with or without you, and i'm the best damn thing that happend to that town. you said so yourself that i was the rock you needed but guess what? this is your fault. take a bow, the show is over.

it's almost eleven and i still have about three hours before i need to be at work. my palms are sweaty but my body is freezing. i can't find a medium and it kills me sometimes. it's not just with the temperature in the room but my life. nothing seems to be fitting into place long enough to make an impression. how many more disppointments will i get before things start looking up?

now, cue the coded paragraphs. you know if this is intended for you.

one:
you've really overdramatacized yourself this time. i've tried being patient because it's hard to help someone two states away but you still choose to say i'm the one who's not stepping it up. this is not just me talking shit, this is me putting it all on the table. i'm done. i'm done with the jedi mind tricks, i'm done with the guilt trips, i'm done with convincing myself that i love you enough to make things work later down the line because right now, neither of us can really handle it. i don't care if i was all you have.

you chose to flip the script when you walked away to leave me in the dust. you chose to push me away and while this might be some way of giving me a dose of my own medicine, i atleast gave you the courtesy of a reason why. i'm getting rid of the ring and i'm considering this as my last goodbye.

two:
you have no right to get bent out of shape over something so small, so minute when you were the one who decieved me. you lied to me and you used me, regardless of what you say and for that, you deserve every last bit of hatred i have for you. you obviously have no clue why i'm so angry and that's fine but i pray you don't pull that shit with some other girl who doesn't deserve it. save your bullshit for why you didn't show up at work. it's unfair for me to curse her when really, you're the one who deserves it. you have no idea the damge you've done and my words are more powerful than you think. go ahead and say i'm talking shit but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and believe me, my words have caused hell before.

three and four:
you're like the common cold. you're here when i least need that fatigued, achy feeling and then you're gone when i could really use a sick day. i love you and have since day one but i can't take the estranged friendship anymore. either you're in my life or you're not, simple as that. if that's asking too much, tell me now so we can skip the three months of not talking and the crying that comes after it because i miss my best friend. make up your mind before i do it for you.

five, six, seven and eight:
you four mean the world to me. we've lost touch the past few months and it's partly due to schedule and the rest due to my estranged motions these past few months. i'm sorry but please know you are all in my thoughts everyday whether because of a song i hear on the radio that reminds me of you or because we get a moment to catch up. i love you girls and nobody will ever take that from me.

i'm not done and i don't think i'll ever be done saying everything that's on my mind. i have so much going on in my head that i can't even sort everything out without getting frustrated and having a break down. take this for what you will but atleast i'm making an effort.

i've got a lot to say to you,
yeah, i've got a lot to say.

my charger broke while i was trying to explain what's going on and not going on in my head with him. the tables have turned and i'm not crushing.

you make a big deal about the whole reason we broke up, have the nerve to contact me two weeks later and then after i drunk text you after my birthday party, have the guts to say yes, that you miss me yet now you have a new girlfriend? i should've trusted my instincts and said no to the butterflies you gave me. i should've stayed away after our first kiss because the moment your lips touched mine, i knew you would break my heart. i should've told him because i knew we wouldn't last and it wouldn't matter a week later anyways. since i found out you have someone new, i feel the need to compete with you in hopes that you'd have a sudden epiphany. i know you won't because i obviously didn't matter as much as you made me out to. that's fine but don't pull the same excuse you did with me. one way or another, you'll be so lost in confusion that no one will be able to fix you.

you keep asking me to come home but i am home. you keep making casual jokes about us, you and me when we both know that it's not going to work to convince me otherwise. you know i love you and you know my heart's not in the fight anymore. you torture me with your pleas and force me to break my silence in the strangest of times but when push comes to shove, i think you just want the rock you had before things went wrong. i'm not saying you don't love me, i'm saying you just want the stability that came with it.

i don't even know you and you charm me so sweetly that it's hard to stay when you're not around. i haven't had an online crush like this since the days of josh and early morning buffy role plays.

i look in the mirror and see the sad face of a girl who doesn't know black from white. you used to be so confident in who you are and now, you're just a sheep like the rest of the world's youth. start making plans and start making sense. get up, go out and do something with yourself. as far as you've come, as much as you've had to deal with in your life, you tear your self down faster than anyone else can. you're stronger than this and it's time you start acting like it. you used to say you're destined for greatness. prove it.

i've got a lot to say to you,
yeah, i've got a lot to say.

my charger broke while i was trying to explain what's going on and not going on in my head with him. the tables have turned and i'm not crushing.

you make a big deal about the whole reason we broke up, have the nerve to contact me two weeks later and then after i drunk text you after my birthday party, have the guts to say yes, that you miss me yet now you have a new girlfriend? i should've trusted my instincts and said no to the butterflies you gave me. i should've stayed away after our first kiss because the moment your lips touched mine, i knew you would break my heart. i should've told him because i knew we wouldn't last and it wouldn't matter a week later anyways. since i found out you have someone new, i feel the need to compete with you in hopes that you'd have a sudden epiphany. i know you won't because i obviously didn't matter as much as you made me out to. that's fine but don't pull the same excuse you did with me. one way or another, you'll be so lost in confusion that no one will be able to fix you.

you keep asking me to come home but i am home. you keep making casual jokes about us, you and me when we both know that it's not going to work to convince me otherwise. you know i love you and you know my heart's not in the fight anymore. you torture me with your pleas and force me to break my silence in the strangest of times but when push comes to shove, i think you just want the rock you had before things went wrong. i'm not saying you don't love me, i'm saying you just want the stability that came with it.

i don't even know you and you charm me so sweetly that it's hard to stay when you're not around. i haven't had an online crush like this since the days of josh and early morning buffy role plays.

i look in the mirror and see the sad face of a girl who doesn't know black from white. you used to be so confident in who you are and now, you're just a sheep like the rest of the world's youth. start making plans and start making sense. get up, go out and do something with yourself. as far as you've come, as much as you've had to deal with in your life, you tear your self down faster than anyone else can. you're stronger than this and it's time you start acting like it. you used to say you're destined for greatness. prove it.

i tell myself to breathe as the sky crashes down on me
i've lost sight of myself, i'll never find it again
and my patience has run dry, the tears in my eyes
are pouring like the rain we so desperately need
this won't ever scratch the surface
nobody will notice
that i'm climbing walls without a care
i could fall into the nothing
that i'm running for in the first place
and all i can say is that i'm the one to blame
here i am, wasting away, wasting my heart
with a smile on my face and all you can do
is watch my self destruction
as i melt away to nothing more
than your distant memory

there's a nice, cool breeze
as i walk down the street in quiet
and i'm trying not to think about you
but the memories just keep on coming
i'm wishing hard i can keep it together,
to show you that i can make it on my own,
that i've reached my limit, i won't give in
i'll still keep moving on

i wish i could wash it all away, all the simple inpurities
and if by chance, you get this note on time
please keep in mind it's just a reminder for
the fallen casualties of love

take three steps forward to fall ten steps back
the momentum's too much, i'm running out of track
you'll keep trying and i'll keep fighting but there's no more war
so what are we waiting for?

you bruised then broke me just like a bad habit
pushed me down and kicked me to the dirt
i hate to say this, there's no better way to say it
and there's no more bridges to burn
here i stand, all the promises you saved me
packed up and ready to go with the dreams you sold
you have no power over me, it's done and over
i've already moved on

you took advantage of a good thing,
wasted a fragile heart with your pretty words
one day, you'll see the spark you've started to ignite
this ends tonight, right here and now

take three steps forward to fall ten steps back
the momentum's too much, i'm running out of track
you'll keep trying and i'll keep fighting but there's no more war
so what are we waiting for?

take three steps forward to fall ten steps back
the momentum's too much, i'm running out of track
you'll keep trying and i'll keep fighting but there's no more war
so what are we waiting for?

take three steps forward to fall ten steps back
the momentum's too much, i'm running out of track
you'll keep trying and i'll keep fighting but there's no more war
so what are we waiting for?

this is me, in my entirety.

i laugh at almost everything, regardless of how funny or serious it is because humor is how i live my life. i'm fueled by ramen and i don't care if you get the metaphor for that or not. i love to sing almost as much as i love to dance though i don't think i'll ever make it in the entertainment industry. i have big dreams and fall hard when they don't come true. i'm afraid of spiders, never finding love and not fitting in, just like all the other human beings in this world. i try too hard when i want to impress you on purpose and get things right when i'm not paying attention. i have a short attention span for most things but you can always count on me when you need an ear to listen to your hopes, fears, failures and successes. i talk faster than i think and don't always say things the way i mean them. i live for inside jokes, breathe music and would need anger management and serious therapy. without writing. my best friend is terminally ill and i'm paranoid that every day, i'll get that one call that will change my life. i can't stand bare walls and frown everytime my dad makes a joke at my fall out boy posters, especially because he doesn't understand just how deep my love for my bands go. as much as i would love to be famous, i enjoy meeting meeting celebrities more than i want to be in the spotlight, despite how social i am. i'm just as cold as i am warm hearted so please don't hurt me. i'm so much smarter than you or i give me credit for. i love random trivia, especially the surprised look on people's faces when they're not expecting me to use "big words".

take me or leave me, just don't rip me apart. the choice is yours.

i'm not sure what i did to make my world turn upside down suddenly but it sure as hell has made itself known. there's nobody like yourself to play your own worst enemy; most days, i psych myself out pretty well, unlike today this spiral that i'm in, or whatever shape you'd like to name it, it's got to stop. i don't know how or when but i'm pretty sure it won't be long before it makes itself comfortable.

i anticipate a shitty birthday. maybe i deserve it for being a shitty friend, daughter, grand daughter, lover, ex, crush, the list can go on. i thought i was doing the right thing by following my heart and ignoring my mind. obviously, i can't win either way. i've taken advantage of the most vulnerable person i know: me.

no cigarette or alcoholic drink can fix me. hell, not even i think i can fix me at this point. i don't care what fixes me anymore, i just want to be myself again. cheery, optimistic, good friend no matter what, daughter who does random acts of kindness, grand daughter who calls no matter what's going on, ex lover who still loves you that wants to try again, silly old me.

sometimes i wish life was like a sitcom. it would be nice to have an audience clap when something good happens or cheer you on when you need a support system and there's no one else there. life would be scripted and i would know what's going to happen before the rest of the world did, i could prepare my heart for the worst and the best part is that it'd only last one episode. got a broken heart? no problem, thirty minutes and it's gone.

i have moments of clarity and moments of cloudyness. right now, i can't tell which emotion is which, they've been entangled for so long that i don't feel like myself anymore. i know i'm brilliant, there's no doubt in my mind that i'm talented in my own ways but the thought of being me isn't something i take pride in.

i want to write lyrics that will change the way someone sees a situation they're dealing with. i want to sing and make someone feel the conviction in my voice as the words come out of my lips and fill their ears. i want to feel that self confidence that used to get me through the day when we were together but i can't seem to bring myself to say yes to you.

i can be what you need me to be. i can give you what you need. i don't want to be anyone but me and i feel like if i were to try with you, i would compromise the person i've become now. i told myself i wouldn't change my habits to suit someone else and by saying yes, i'm promising you something i can't fulfill. neither of us can take the failure so take this as a gesture of love, nipping it in the bud before we even take that first step to fall.

it feels good to vent but i'm not done yet. i have so many things to say and not enough words to scratch the surface.

 

The bell rang. I put away my notebook and walked outside with Gabe towards the cafeteria. We talked the whole walk there and when we finally parted ways, I walked back to my locker to put away my books then leave for home.

I felt a pair of hands cover my eyes as I put the last book away and reached for my purse inside the locker. With my free hand, I felt the hands over my eyes but couldn’t figure out who it was.

“Okay, who is it?”

“Someone,” answered a guy’s voice.

“Uh, Gabe?” I heard a gasp and then my head was shaken “no”. “Will?”

“Bingo!” He took his hands away, I turned around and faced a smiling Will in front of me. “Getting ready to go home?”

“Of course. You coming?”

“I was hoping we could take a small detour.”

“To?” I closed my locker door and started walking towards the nearest door by the parking lot. Will followed.

“My house. I want to show you something.”

“Okay but that’s not really a big deal since we’re neighbors, silly.”

“I know but I still needed to extend the invitation,” he said with a chuckle. “So, you down?”

“Sure, I suppose. I do have a paper to write though, for speech.”

“We have a paper due?”

“Didn’t you read the syllabus?”

“No. Only the brainiac suck ups-” He saw me looking at him with his eyebrows raised. “-don’t read the syllabus, duh. I mean, only the smart people with a bright future ahead of them pay attention.”

“That was the worst save ever.”

“Yeah, I know. Let’s just pretend I never said anything offensive, mmkay? That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do, offend you over something little and dumb.”

“Will, you’re not making sense,” I said giggling. “You sound flustered, you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just have some stuff on my mind.” We reached the car. I unlocked the doors and opened mine, then pointed to the passenger side Vanna White style.

“Okay, if you say so. Shall we?”

***

We got to my house, I ran upstairs to drop off my stuff then left to meet Will outside. He was sitting on the driveway and staring at the ground. It wasn’t like him to stare off like that, in all the years I’d spent observing him while behind the crush I had on him.

“Hey, you okay?” He turned around, smiled and nodded. “Are you sure? You’re never this quiet and I’m starting to get worried.”

“I’m fine. Ready?” He stood up and held out his arm for me to take. I put my arm in his. He started skipping and I had to practically run to catch up to his timing. “Come on, slow poke!”

“I don’t have as long as legs as you do!”

Finally, we finished skipping over my lawn onto his front door step. He opened the door and let go of my arm. I followed and stared in awe. The front was open with lots of windows allowing light to shine in. The stairs were to the right of the door, Will climbing up them at a rapid pace. I closed the front door then followed.

When I got to the top stair, I looked down the hall for Will. I looked at the pictures on the wall of the hallway. There were pictures of silhouettes of people mostly, a few of inanimate objects like a park bench. I recognized the figure of one of the people pictures as me.

From the angle it was taken, it was almost like he was behind me, sitting down while I was standing. You could see part of my face, a thinking look in my face.

“No way,” I whispered to myself.

“No way what?” I jumped at his voice. I turned around and my cheek bumped into his chin. Instincts told us to touch where we hit but as if telepathy was at work, we both reached for the other’s injury.

“I’m so sorry!” we both said at the same time.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his finger caressing my cheek.

“I’m fine, you?” I smiled. My fingers lightly touched his chin then went down to my side.

A second later, I realized his thumb was still on my cheek. I looked into his eyes and smiled, my cheeks getting warmer as I felt myself start to blush. He smiled back, his cheeks turning slightly pink as well.

He looked into my eyes and leaned forward, his eyes starting to close. I closed my eyes and waited for his lips to touch mine but they stopped when we heard the front door slam.

“Will! You here?” It sounded like Pete. “Will? Marco!”

“Polo,” Will answered as he pulled away. His hand dropped from my face and he started to go downstairs but stopped on the second step. He turned around, grabbed my hand and led me to his room. “Don’t make a sound.”

I nodded my head, he smiled then closed the door. I heard him run down the stairs as I turned to look around. The layout of his room was similar to mine. The bed was facing the door, the closet to the left of the bed and his desk and dresser on the right, far wall. On his desk was a picture of a Will with a girl.

I recognized her. She was Hayley Williams and one of the most popular girls in school. I know for a fact that they never dated but sometimes, everyone wondered because of how close they were. If you looked carefully, you could see Pete putting bunny ears on both of them.

I looked on the walls and saw more photos in frames, three out of maybe twenty pictures of me. I didn’t know what to say or think. Two were silhouettes and one was a random picture of me sitting on the bus and listening to my music player and singing. My eyes were closed, my mouth in a smile mid lyric and my hands doing a dramatic motion to suit the emotion of the line delivered.

It was almost poetic the way he captured that moment and my memory never served me worse right then. I couldn’t, for the life of me, ever remember a time when I’d seen Will with a camera but when I thought about it, I’m glad I didn’t. I probably would have-

“Don’t freak out but we need to leave,” Will said, his words exasperated and out of breath.

“Everything okay?”

“No. Pete invited everyone over for band practice but I don’t feel like dealing with any of them right now so I told him I was leaving. Now, I need to leave but I can’t leave you here so you’re coming with me.”

“Oh, okay.” I walked to the door and stopped when I noticed Will hadn’t moved from the doorway. I waited to see if he’d budge but he didn’t. Instead, he put his hand on my cheek again, closed his eyes and moved forward. I closed my eyes and waited, again, for his lips to touch mine but again, they never came.

“Will! Where are you going!?” Pete called from downstairs. Will sighed and let go of my face as he turned around. We heard footsteps and before we could react, Pete showed up to Will’s bedroom door. “Oh, I didn’t know I was interrupting something.”

There was a hint of sarcasm and slight disapproval in his tone. I wanted to say something but didn’t, out of respect for Will. I smiled awkwardly at Pete and waved. “Hi.”

“You weren’t interrupting anything, I was just letting Jasey know that I was ready to leave now since we‘re going together.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I guess we can reschedule our practice then. Jasey, it was good seeing you.” Pete turned to Will, nodded and made his way down the stairs. When we heard the front door open then close again, the awkward tension between me and Will disappeared.

“I’m sorry about that,” Will apologized. I backed up and walked back into his room. I sat on the bed and smiled in hopes of comforting him.

“It’s okay, I’m pretty sure Pete coming over was unplanned.” He walked away from the doorway and joined me on the bed. He sat next to me, his hand centimeters away from mine, almost as if it was scared to touch me.

“So, what do you think of my room?”

“It could use a little pink, “ I joked. He laughed a little then looked around as if trying to look for something in particular or make me think he didn’t feel uncomfortable. “seriously though, the layout is pretty much like mine. The photos, did you take all of them?”

“Yeah, it’s a guilty pleasure of mine. The ones in the hallway too, I took those as well.”

“Cool. I noticed you have some of me…”

“Oh, yeah. I hope you don’t mind? When I see a photo opp that screams at me, I answer the call. You just happen to be one of my favorite subjects, to be honest.”

“Really? You only have a couple of me though.”

“Please don’t flip out but I have more than the ones you see on the walls.”

“You do?” I looked at Will. He looked back at me, a type of flustered facial expression flooded his face. I smiled. “That’s flattering, honestly.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No, I’m extremely flattered. I’ve never considered myself a photogenic person. Not only that but you have talent so it’s an honor to be photographed by such an artist.”

“Thanks.”

His eyes focused into mine. Please don’t try to kiss me again, I can’t take another psych out. I looked back into his and felt my heart start beating faster than it was before. I felt something touch my hand. When I looked down, it was his fingers gently touching mine.

*****

I was getting ready for bed when I heard something tap on my window. I got up from my bed and looked out to find Will throwing more cheerios; one hit my forehead and he sniggered while hiding his laughs.

“Ow, punk.”

“Sorry,” he said sincerely. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.”

“Will, it’s almost eleven. Shouldn’t you be home sleeping or something?”

“No, I’m right where I need to be. Come down!” he whispered loud enough for me to hear.

“I’m tired, Will, I’m sorry. Rain check this weekend?”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise. You have three more days,” I said with a smile.

“What about Friday night?”

“If you want Friday night, you got Friday night,” I agreed. “Can I get back in bed now?”

“I suppose. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

I closed my window and curtain, then laid back down in bed and continued to watch tv. My phone started vibrating with a text message popping up in the screen.

Will: I still feel bad about earlier. We didn’t get to go anywhere. I lied for nothing.

Me: It’s okay. It’s not like we didn’t just make plans for Friday night.

Will: True. I need some advice.

Me: Yes? Please don’t tell me you’ve murdered someone and need suggestions on where to bury the body…

Will: No, nothing like that, I swear. Lol.

Me: Okay. What is it?

Will: I like this girl but I don’t know who she feels about me. I can’t get her out of my head and the more I talk to her, the more I want things to happen with her. How do I tell her?

I sighed heavily and read the text again. He likes someone yet he tried to kiss me twice earlier. I don’t get it. A part of me wanted to say something mean and sarcastic but the other side told me to be a good friend and give him the advice he deserves. I mean, he did ask nicely and trusts me enough to ask for advice, right?

Me: I’m the kind of girl who likes people who are upfront and honest about stuff so be straight up with her. If she feels the same, then good on ya’ mate. If not, maybe it wasn’t meant to happen.

I set my phone down and waited for what seemed like forever for a response. The tv was turned off, my alarm was set and I was in that limbo between awake and asleep when my phone went off again.

Will: I know its late but can you come outside? Please!?!?!?

I sighed heavily again after the request processed fully. I put on some flip flops and walked down the stairs, then onto the front door.

“Will?” I whispered hoarsely. I took a few steps onto the driveway and took a quick moment to look up at the sky. The stars were out and as beautiful as ever. I brought my head back down and saw Will in front of me. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He looked into my eyes, smiled, put his hands on my cheeks then leaned in forward as he closed his eyes. I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch mine, my whole body tingling.

Jasey’s P.O.V.

It was a bad day somehow. I felt it when we left the house and through out the whole quiet ride to school, I kept thinking that maybe it’s just all in my head, like it always was.

We got to school, I told Will I’d see him later and then headed straight for my locker. He looked slightly puzzled when I said my good bye but I was intent on not giving anyone the chance to say something that might start to even make the day slip. It didn’t matter anyways, I had my friends waiting for me as if I was about to be interrogated.

“What’s going on?” Holly asked.

“What do you mean ‘what’s going on?’” I asked.

“Yesterday you were all about that boy and now you’re solo? Did he do something? You look horrible…”

“I’m fine, I just don’t feel okay. I have a feeling today is gonna be a bad day somehow. Don’t ask me for details because I have none, just trust me when something will go wrong.”


William’s P.O.V.

“Dude, what’s going on?” Pete asked. “We haven’t seen you in ages.”

“I’ve been busy,” I said as I approached my locker. I felt cornered the minute Jasey walked away. Pete was waiting for me in the front, I assume he knew I was riding with Jasey now.

“Busy with?” I looked at Pete and rolled my eyes. “That girl, huh?”

“You mean Jasey Rae?” I did my combination, opened my locker and started to go through my schedule mentally.

“Yeah! That’s the one… Oh, I get it. You like her a lot don’t you?!”

“She has nothing to do with-”

“You’ve been writing!”

“Yeah, and?”

“You’ve been busy writing about her! I get it now!”

“Wait, back up. How did we even get to this? I never said anything about Jasey until you started talking about her and besides, what does it matter if I’ve been writing about her or anyone else? How do you know that I haven’t been writing about you?”

“One, that’d be creepy and two, you write about girls not guys.” I grabbed the two books I needed then closed the door to my locker.

“Pete…”

“What?”

“Shut up,” I said laughing. “You talk too much, you know? You think a lot too.”

“That’s what my mom says but enough about me, more about you and Jasey.” He grinned.

“Why are you so interested in me and Jasey’s friendship?”

“Oh, it’s more than a friendship, my friend. You want to hit that.”

“Oh god, Pete, I hate when you talk like that.”

“You want her don’t you!? Ha! I can see it in your face!”

“No, I don’t want to ’hit’ that but I do like her, or else we wouldn’t be hanging out.”

“You want to do more than hang out with her… Does she know you write about her?”

“No, she has no idea and the worst part is that I don’t think she feels the same way at all.”

“Have you ever asked her? I mean, she goes along with you everywhere when she sees you at school and you guys are neighbors so I’m sure she talks to you all the time.”

“Actually, she didn’t talk to me until the first day of school and even then, I was the one that broke the ice. I think she thought I was weird before then or something because she’d always smile at me and when I’d go to talk to her, she’d like clam up.”

“Dude! Ugh, Will… We really need to work on your skills as a Don Juan.”

“What?” I gave Pete a confused look and right away, he started walking off. I followed a little ways behind to see what he was doing.


Jasey’s P.O.V,

“I think just the opposite,” Juliet added with a smile on her face.

“What makes you say that?”

“Pete Wentz is walking towards you right now.”

“Pete Wentz, one of the most popular kids in school, Pete Wentz?” Holly asked. She slanted her head to peek behind me and her eyes grew wide.

“Jasey!” Pete called behind me. I turned around and smiled in an attempt to look natural.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I gotta ask you something.” He turned to Holly and Juliet and smiled. “Do you think I can talk to her alone for a quick second?”

“Sure,” Holly said half out of breath. She and Juliet walked away but kept their eyes on us.

“So, what’s up?” I asked.

“What do you think of Will?”

“Um. I’m sorry, what?”

“What do you think of Will? It’s okay to be honest, I’m just looking out for him.”

“We’re just friends?”

“Do you want to be more?”

“I kinda don’t feel comfortable talking to you about this, especially since we don’t really know each other,” I said with a small laugh.

“Totally understandable. So that’s a yes then?”

“Uh-” I heard loud footsteps and out of nowhere, Will appeared by Pete’s side. I smiled in awkwardness. “Hey Will.”

“Hey Jasey, do you mind if I borrow Pete for a second?”

“Sure, he’s all yours for however long you want actually. I’m about to go get something to drink from the vending machines.”

“Okay, wait for me.” Will pulled Pete to the opposite end of the hall and whispered to him for a few seconds. Pete didn’t seem to like being interrupted and when they stepped back over to where I was, Pete hesitated before he spoke.

“I’m sorry if you felt uncomfortable, Jasey. I’m trying to find someone Will can take to our back to school party this weekend and I was hoping to hook him up with someone who likes him.”

“Oh, wow. Obviously, I do like him since we hang out and it’s okay. I appreciate the honesty thought, I guess.”  I noticed Pete’s eyes going back and forth between me and Will. I’m not sure what his hidden motives were but when I noticed Will blushing and smiling at me, I felt my cheeks get hot as I smiled back.

“Okay, well since Will spoiled my plans, I’ll leave you two to go get drinks. Will, I’ll see you in class later.” Pete walked off and Will turned with me to make our way to the vending machines.

“I’m really sorry if he embarrassed you or anything.”

“It’s okay, my friends put me on the spot like that too.”


*****

It was the end of second period and the whole class was off in their own conversations. Pete and two other guys I’ve recognized as Will’s friends sat on the opposite side of the room but faced me. One was blond and the other had dark hair with a spanish look in about his face.

Like Pete, they were popular and quite snobbish. I know Pete was nice to me but in reality, he was as cliché as the “popular” title gets. He’s nice when he wants something, gives dirty looks and rolls his eyes when he disapproves and his opinion mattered whether he knew you or not. I never understood how Will could be his friend but it wasn’t my choice to make nor would I have any impact on changing that since they’ve been friends since before I moved here in sixth grade.

“I kid you not, Alex, she blushed half the time he was talking to her,” Pete said. Alex was apparently the blond haired boy. “She likes him more than she’s ever willing to admit to anyone.”

“Well, if its so obvious, how is Will missing it?” the dark haired boy asked.

“I dunno but the chemistry is there, anyone can see that. I don’t know what he’s doing with her, she’s a nobody.”

“That’s not right, Pete. Will has good taste in girls, there’s obviously something nice about her or else he wouldn’t be giving her the time of day, or atleast his time,” the dark haired boy said. I’m starting to like him. “Do you know anything about her other than the neighbor part?”

“She’s in our english class but other than that, not really. I could care less to be honest. “

The bell rang and I felt sick in my stomach. I walked to my locker, put away my economics book and grabbed my notebook. A note fell out onto the floor. I picked it up and opened it.

When the morning light fights through the cracks
cascading across the bed, and you are mine.
When your parents start to wake for work,
between the sheets, I'll keep a watchful eye.

Right here, the best days of our lives.
Is this coincidence or a sign?

I smiled. I tried looking for a name to see who it’s from but there wasn’t one.  I looked around hoping someone would walk up to me and be able to say, “Oh, yeah. I wrote that. I thought you’d like it” but no such luck.

I closed my locker and went to study hall. I had the last lunch today and when I walked in the room, I noticed the dark haired boy from my last class. Ironically, the last seat that wasn’t broken was right next to him.

The study hall teacher called roll, told us to do whatever then started playing on her computer. I pulled out the notebook and stared at it. It was the notebook Will gave me; I couldn’t help but think of him as I opened it to a fresh page.

“Hi, I’m Gabe.” I looked over and the dark haired boy was smiling at me. He waited for a reaction and when I just continued to look at him, his smile faded away and he turned back to his desk.

“I’m sorry, I’m Jasey Rae. Late reaction,” I said with a laugh, hoping to cover up for my rudeness.

“I know who you are, you’re Will’s friend, right?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired from the monotony of doing nothing today in class,” I lied.

“Yeah, the first week of school is usually pretty boring.” After a brief silence, he started again. “Look, I noticed you watching me, Alex and Pete talk so if you have something you want to say, you can just say it now.”

I was taken aback by his forwardness but slightly appreciated it at the same time. I didn’t know what to say but before I could think of something witty, my mouth spoke. “Actually, I’m a little pissed about you three talking about me, in front of my face and thinking you’re the shit.”

“I’m really sorry about that, I didn’t realize you could-”

“Hear the conversation? That’s understandable since you were on the other side of the room but its not polite to talk about people behind their back, especially if you don’t know them so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep my name out of your mouth, mmkay?”

“In case you don’t recall, I defended you even though I had no clue who you were and after that little remark, I’d have to say I’m damn proud I did.” Gabe smiled. I stared at him, confused. “I wasn’t expecting you to say something bold like that, I have respect for people who say what’s on their mind. I’m sorry if I offended you somehow.”

“I’m sorry I just came out and told you off-”

“Really, its okay. So what exactly is the deal with you and Will?”

“I just met you and already you’re trying to get the inside scoop? You move pretty fast,” I joked.

“Not really, I’m just trying to see if I can help out my man. Is it really ‘obvious’ that you like him?” he asked with a small laugh.

“I’m not comfortable discussing that with you or Pete. I wish you guys would kind of keep out of it, honestly. I feel like the spotlight has been put on me and I have a huge pimple on my face or something.”

“It’s not that, its just… Well, don’t take this the wrong way but Will’s friends don’t exactly approve of you.”

“I don’t see why, its not like I’m a slut or anything, I keep to myself.”

“Yeah, that’s my point.”

“You mean it’s because I’m not popular?”

“Pretty much. You’re the first girl Will’s ever hung out with that’s not in the popular crowd so the guys are taking it like it’s death or something. They take pride in their social status and can’t stand the fact that Will could care less about it even though he’s one of the top five popular people in the school.”

“We’re just friends though, I mean, what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing in Will’s eyes but in everyone else’s, you’re just a flavor of the week. They think he’ll finally get one night of fun and then he’ll move on to the next girl, popular or not.”

I felt my heart skip a beat and suddenly, I felt the urge to cry. I turned my head away then looked at the blank notebook page. I took a deep breath and sighed. “That kind of sucks.”

“Please don’t get upset, that’s not Will’s intentions at all!”

“How do you know?”

“Do you wanna know why Will doesn’t care about social status?”

“Would it make a difference?”

“With matters of the heart, everything makes a difference.”

 

Jasey's P.O.V.

I didn't get home until almost 8pm. When I walked through the door, my parents flipped out on me and almost grounded me from using my car. I explained that I missed the bus then went out for coffee with the neighbor boy after school and didn't realize the time. They scolded me about not calling them to tell them I'd be home late, then told me not to let it happen again.

I went upstairs to my room, turned on the light and set down my books on the bed. I changed into pajamas, settled under the covers of my bed and started watching The Girls Next Door reruns. About an hour after I'd been home, I heard something hit my window. It sounded like a tapping noise. My phone went off; I had a text message from a number I didn't recognize.

Look out your window.

I moved the curtain and peeked. Will was standing with a smile on his face, something in his hand. I struggled to open the window but managed to crack it enough to carry on a conversation.

"Will?" I whispered hoarsely, "what are you doing?"

"Rapunzel, rapunzel, let down your hair," he joked.

"I'm serious! What are you throwing at my window? And why are you throwing stuff at my window?"

"Relax, they're Cheerios and I was trying to get your attention."

"You couldn't just call me?"

"I could have but then that takes away the fun." I felt my cheeks get warm as I smiled back at him. "Can you come out and play?"

"Play what? I got in trouble for coming home late, ya know."

"I'm sorry. Can I make it up to you?"

"How do you plan on doing that?"

"You have to come down first."

"I'm already in my pajamas," I whined playfully.

"That's more than okay," he replied. He smiled then looked down at the ground. If the lighting was better, I'd have been able to tell if he was blushing or not. "You coming down or what?"

"I don't know…"

"Don't make me climb up there."

"I dare you." I walked away from the window but left the window cracked. I walked over to my closet and picked out a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. As soon as I was done changing, I heard the window slide. I turned around and faced Will.

"Told you not to make me climb up here." He grinned.

"Do you know what my parents will do if they find you up here?!"

"Tell you to use protection, then leave us alone?"

"Um, no! They'll have your head and mine on a silver platter!"

"Relax or you'll get us caught." I sat on the bed to try to think but Will walked up to me and held out his hands and waited for me to take them. I stared at him until he took my hands in his on his own.

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly as I stood up in front of him. I looked into his eyes and almost melted right then and there.

"Shhhh." He put his index finger on my lips. I watched him and waited as he stared back at me. After a few seconds, he moved his finger and led me out of my bedroom and into the stairway. He motioned for me to follow him downstairs and suddenly, I got butterflies in my stomach.

When we got to the bottom, it was pitch black. Somehow, he was able to feel his way to the front door and open the locks without making a sound. A minute later, we were standing in the middle of the street in front of my house.

"Had I tried to sneak out, I would have gotten caught. How the hell did you do that?"

"Years of sucking up to my parents. They think I'm a little angel so I get away with murder pretty much. They don't think I could ever do anything wrong so they don't worry. I've been sneaking out since 6^th grade."

"You're gonna be a bad influence on me, I hope you realize that."

"No, I'm not. I'm just gonna help you see what you've had all along." He grabbed my hand and started walking. I started following and when he still held onto my hand a few minutes later, I started to wonder why he hadn't let go.

"So, where are we going?"

"A special spot. Not many people in the neighborhood know it exists and I come here to think sometimes, to write even."

We were a block away from home and started walking into the woodsy part of the neighborhood. I'm afraid of the dark and hate the woods just from watching too many scary movies so I walked extremely close to Will and held onto his hand for dear life. When he felt the pressure in my hand increase, he looked at me and smiled.

After about a minute or two of walking, we came up to a little gazebo over looking a small creek. There was a little camping lantern, a couple blankets folded up into a pile against the wall, a small picnic basket and a couple notebooks with pens scattered on top.

"This is a cute little set up you have here," I complimented.

"Thanks."

"You don't ever worry about someone taking your stuff?"

"Well, I put this stuff here right when I got home. I wanted to go get you right after we got home but I had to set everything up to surprise you so…"

"Aww, that's sweet. So, what is all this stuff for anyways?"

"Well, I really just wanted to show you the spot but I don't want to keep you out late so we should start heading back."

"Okay." I looked at the notebooks. They looked identical. "What's in those?"

"Oh, nothing. One is for you and the other is the notebook I write in. I was hoping we could stay and hang out but don't worry about it. Let's get you home."

"Okay. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure."

"Can you just share one of your writings with me before we go?"

"Uh." He was caught off guard. I smiled a cheesy, four year old smile and he sighed. "Okay, only because that was kind of adorable."

He set up a blanket for us to sit on, grabbed one of the notebooks and started looking through the pages. When he settled on one, he looked up at me for a few seconds, smiled then started.

One song, about a girl
Can't breathe when I'm around her
I wait here everyday
Incase, she'll scratch the surface
She'll never notice

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

"Done."

"That was it?"

"That's kind of all I have so far. I know it's not done but I like it a lot, about as much as I like the person I wrote it for."

"Aww. Current girlfriend?"

"No, not yet but I'm hopeful that one day, we'll date. It's still kind of early for that step."

"Cute. I hope everything works out," I said smiling.

"Thanks, me too. Let's get you home."

*****

My phone went off and when I looked at the screen, I had a text message.

Wake up, sunshine!

I grumbled, threw my phone at the floor and turned over while pulling my comforter over my head. I adjusted my body position and felt comfortable again.

"You'll never get to school by laying in bed all day," said a familiar voice. I shot up, ready to yell at my parents but saw Will standing in the doorway.

"What are doing you in my room?" I felt my comforter fall down and expose my quite revealing camisole top. Will blushed and I pulled it up to my shoulders. "Are my parents home?"

"No, they left right as I was walking to the bus stop so I thought I'd try my luck and see if the door was unlocked. Obviously it was."

"Oh. What time is it?"

"Like, 6:30?"

"It's so early…" I laid back down with a bit of force, then felt Will jump on the edge of my bed. "Wait, why are you here so early?"

"My rain check."

"I thought that was yesterday."

"I used that excuse, yes, but it's not over."

"You are unbelievable."

"You know you want to go…"

"Maybe but I can't go looking like this." I got up from my bed and stood in front of Will. He looked me up and down, me in my camisole and shorts. I forgot I had a good part of my chest showing cleavage and quickly covered myself with the edge of the comforter at the foot of the bed. "Sorry. Would you mind going downstairs so I can get ready? I'll take a really quick shower, I promise."

"Sure." He got up and left my room. I immediately shut the door, picked out clothes from my closet then went to take my shower.

Will's P.O.V.

I won't lie. She looked pretty hot in her pajamas but I shouldn't have barged into her room like that. I went downstairs and grabbed my backpack that I left by the front door. I went to sit down in the living room and pulled out my notebook. I was surprised that lines just started flowing from my fingertips.

Last night, I knew what to say
But you weren't there to hear it
These lines, so well rehearsed
Tongue tied and overloaded,
You'd never notice

To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for?
To be loved, to be loved,
Everyone wants to be loved

I'm not in love, this is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and looked up to find Jasey wearing a fitted tee shirt, a jean skirt and tennis shoes. She smiled and pointed to my notebook.

"What are you writing about?"

"A girl."

Will followed me to my locker. We talked the whole way, from english to choir, and never once did the conversation stop. He’s a writer too and promised that he’d show me his if I showed him mine. When we got to choir, we sat by each other since we didn’t recognize anyone.

It seemed like the day was going to be full of lectures about class rules and lounging around. The choir teacher handed out a packet for us to read along with papers to fill out. It was basic information about us, our singing “career” and anything else he should know for when he starts to place us in our groups. I already knew I’d be a soprano but I didn’t mind.

We filled out our papers then and there, occasionally stopping to put something silly as an answer on the other’s paper. At one point, the teacher walked up to us and asked us to keep our hands to ourselves and concentrate on the paperwork instead of flirting.

Both of us blushed, smiled then giggled under our breaths. When the bell rang, it was time for lunch. He had to go to a class but I had first lunch.

“When do you have lunch?” I asked.

“Um…” He checked his schedule. “I have the next lunch. I’m going to Math right now. What do you have after lunch?

I pulled my schedule out from my pocket. “Study hall.”

“Sweet. You can come to my lunch then.”

“Uh, what?”

“That’s what study hall is, duh.”

“No, it’s where you study and do your homework?”

“You’re seriously gonna go?”

“I’m supposed to, aren’t I?”

“Rules are meant to be broken, ya know.”

Will’s P.O.V.

The math teacher was out of the room the whole class. I’m assuming he didn’t give a shit which was fine for all four of us. I don’t remember signing up for advanced math but it was my senior year and I already have enough credits to graduate, I just need to kill time or else my parents will realize how much I really don’t do.

While I waited for lunch to start, all I could think about was Jasey Rae. There was something about her that made me want to be around her and the fact that I couldn’t understand why was annoying me. I’ve always had a small crush on her but that no longer matters. We’re actually talking now, actually befriending each other, atleast I think we are.

I’m pretty sure we’ll be friends or why else would she agree to taking me to school and talking to me every time I see her? Maybe she’s just being polite…

“Young man, the bell for lunch rang…” The teacher was staring at me with an irritated look on his face.

“Oh, sorry sir.” I grabbed my bag and left to the cafeteria. I saw Jasey in the hallway and stopped her. “Hey!”

“Hey, have a great lunch.” She started to walk off but in an attempt to stop her, I grabbed her hand.

“Wait, where you going?” She looked at our hands, blushed slightly then pulled away from me.

“I’m going to class.”

“Can I see your keys for a second?” She looked at me puzzled but reached into her purse and pulled them out anyways.

“Why do you need my keys?” I grabbed them in one hand and with the other, took hers.

“We’re going on a field trip.” She tried to let go of my hand but I wouldn’t let her. “Come on. I promise nothing will happen to you.”

“But what about class?”

“I have a half day and you’re just going to study hall…”

“I know but-”

“Let me see your schedule.” I let go of her hand and grabbed her schedule from her front pocket. She had a half day too. This was perfect. “You have a half day too. Let’s go.”

“Will, I can’t just leave on the first day of school.”

“Yes, you can.” She looked at me with worry in her eyes. I focused on them for a quick second and I could see deep inside her soul. She wanted to go but was scared. I held out my hand for her, hoping she’d take it.

“What are you doing?” she asked, looking at my hand.

“You trust me don’t you?”

“You can’t be serious?”

“I am. Do you trust me?”

“I guess.” I moved my hand slightly and waited. Finally, she took it hesitantly, a faint smile on her lips.

“I promise nothing will happen to you.” We walked out of the school like it was nothing. Nobody stopped us, nobody looked at us funny and most importantly, we walked out like today was an ordinary day, even though the day was just starting to get good. When we got to the car, we put our stuff in the trunk and I walked over to the driver’s side, Jasey following me.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m driving.”

“But it’s my car…”

“I know but it’s a surprise where we’re going. You said you trusted me.”

“And I do, I just don’t understand what all this is about.”

“You told me you’d take a rain check and now, I’m using it.”

 

Maria, Roxanne and Juliet walked up to us. We were all seniors except Juliet, who was a junior. We were our own little clique and we worked, as diverse as our tastes were sometimes. I was the oldest, Roxanne following behind me, then Holly, Maria and lastly, Juliet obviously. We met last year and since then, we've been inseparable.

*****

Holly was petite in size but large in heart. She went through a blonde phase and looks gorgeous as a blonde and as a brunette. In my opinion she was the most inspiring person I've ever known. She was the type to tell you straight up what she thought and her honesty was always worded in such a way that no matter how brutal it was, you still had optimism in the end.

Roxanne is a lesbian but one of the coolest lesbians I've ever met. Her crush is on Hayley Williams, one of Will's friends ironically, and we all joked that when they got married, we'd have a big dance party to celebrate. She's a great writer but tends to procrastinate as much as I do. She has good days and bad days when it comes to her moods but she's everyone's rock somehow.

Maria is my little disturbed genius. Her mind is slightly dark but she has an art to it and there's no way I'd ever replace her. She's also a great writer but never gives herself credit to the great things she's written. She's a better friend than she thinks and we're not as close as we used to be since she's got a lot on her plate at home but I have no doubt in my mind that girl will go somewhere.

And my dearest Juliet, how I love thee. She's like the little sister I never had only she doesn't piss me off. I've never had one single ill thought about her or any of the other girls for that matter but sometimes, I feel like I was meant to take care of her. We're all protective of each other but as the oldest, I feel like if something were to happen to her, it'd be my fault for not taking care of her.

*****

First period was english. When I walked inside, I saw a few people I knew from classes in previous years and sat next the person I was closest too. I sat and waited for the tardy bell to ring and started to zone out into my own world when I was interrupted.

"Jasey!" I looked up and saw Will in the corner of the back of the room. I smiled and waved while he signaled for me to join him. "Come on, come sit with me."

I got up, grabbed my stuff and moved. Two guys came and sat in front of us, then turned around immediately and started talking to Will. As soon as he could, he stopped them and introduced me. I recognized them but didn't anything more than that they were friends of Will's.

"Guys, this is my neighbor, Jasey Rae. Jasey, this is Ryan and Pete." Ryan had short brown hair and pretty eyes. He also looked young in the face. Pete had his hair combed over his face and while it wasn't long, it had that "scene" style to it.

"Um, hi," I said shyly. I wasn't sure what they'd think of me. The look in their faces was almost as if they were dismissing me but I was mistaken.

"Nice to meet you, Jasey," Ryan said, putting his hand in front of me to shake.

"Sweet. You guys are neighbors? I've seen you around school, like from last year and stuff," Pete said.

"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if we had a couple classes together or something," I said so I didn't seem stupid for not talking. I was nervous for some reason but I was saved by the bell.

Our professor walked in, introduced herself then went on about the course, what to expect and all the other details that nobody paid attention to.

"I honestly don't care what you do today since it's the first day of school so go ahead and talk, get to know each other, listen to your ipod. Whatever you do, just don't leave the room. Enjoy your first day."

"Sweet!" Pete mumbled. He turned back to Ryan and Will. I pulled out my notebook and started doodling random shapes. After a while, I started writing my name with intricate vine like lines forming a type of border. It wasn't until Will tapped my shoulder that I stopped.

"Welcome back," he said with his familiar smile. He looked at my notebook paper of scribbles and doodles. "Wow. Either you're really bored or really creative."

"Both? I have my moments of greatness but that's usually when I'm writing."

"Cool. Do you keep your stuff in a book?"

"Yeah, it's at home though."

"Do you think you could show me sometime? Maybe the same night we go out for coffee?"

"That would be-" the bell rang. "-Lovely. What's your next class?"

"Uh, let me look." He pulled out his schedule and studied it for a few seconds before he answered. "Choir."

"You're in choir? Wow, I wouldn't have expected that."

"Eh, what about you?" We started walking out of the room as I pulled out my schedule and gasped in surprise.

"Holy shit. I have choir too but I don't remember signing up for it."

"That's sucks. Do you not like to sing?"

"I do, I just don't like the idea of embarrassing myself in front of people on a daily basis," I said with a laugh.

"I doubt you're that bad. I mean, think of it this way: after all the years we've been neighbors and never spoken, you seem pretty great for the few hours we've been friends. There's no way you could disappoint me now."

 

The bus was long gone. We stood there and watched as it disappeared around the corner of the street. I set down my back pack and started digging through my purse for my house keys. I found them, got William's attention and led the way back inside my house.

I went upstairs to my room. I ran over to my dresser and rummaged through my junk drawer and grabbed the key to my car. I turned around and bumped into Will.

"You have a bad habit of bumping into me," he said with a small laugh. I felt my cheeks turn hot as they blushed. He noticed the key in my hand. "What's that for?"

"My car."

"You have a car? If you have a car, why are you riding the bus?"

"My parents are weird. Not only that but I don't have a job to pay for my own gas so I'm not allowed to drive it freely unless I can provide my own gas for the field trip."

"That kinda sucks. I have a proposition for you though."

"Okay?"

"If I can provide the money for gas, would you drive me to school?"

"Oh." I looked down at the floor at the thought of just being his chauffer. He put his hand on my arm. I looked up and he was smiling.

"I hope you don't think I'm trying to use you or anything. It's just easier to get to know you when it's just us alone then on a noisy bus full of kids."

"That's really sweet. I have some cash from my last 'allowance' so we can use it today, no charge. I do want some star bucks though, how about you?"

"Yeah, that'd be cool. There's only one thing about that idea…"

"What?"

"I wanna treat you, is that okay?"

"That would be really sweet, yes."

*****

"I'm sorry, what? You are not talking about the William Beckett?" Holly looked at me with wide eyes. We stood there in front of my new locker as I tried to figure out the combination. It wasn't working and not only was I frustrated but she was in disbelief of what I was telling her.

"Yes, the William Beckett, only he asked me to call him Will. He's been my neighbor since I moved here, you know that."

"I know, I know but this sounds like one of those silly scenarios that you come up with while you daydream. You know, the stories you use for the creative writing class?"

"Yeah, I'm well aware of those considering I wrote them. Ugh! I can't get this fucking combination to work!"

"Can I help?" I turned to look over my shoulder and saw Will walking up. He smiled and I backed away.

"Sure, knock yourself out." Three, two one and the locker was open. Before he closed it, he did some sort of trick to the lock. "What was that?"

"I jammed it so you don't have to do the combination every time. My friend's brother had this locker last year and it's kinda hard to open most of the time."

"Oh, well thanks."

"So, did you want to take a rain check on the Starbucks I owe you? I'm really sorry we couldn't do it this morning like we wanted."

"Nah, it's cool. I think that if we had thought of the car before we missed the bus, we'd have missed the long line. I would love to do a rain check, just let me know when you're ready."

"Okay, cool. I will," he said as he started to walk away. After he walked a few feet, he looked back at me and smiled. I blushed but smiled back. I turned back to Holly who was staring at me.

"Jasey Rae, what was that!?"

"What? I didn't do anything."

"You so made out with him in your mind."

"Did not. He did me a favor and made plans for a rain check on coffee. What's wrong with that?"

"Zeedus lapeedus! You're gonna date William Beckett, mark my words."

"Whatever, Holly. Don't start getting yourself worked up ..ing rumors just yet. And zeedus lapeedus?"

"Sorry. I've been watching the Zenon movies again…"

"And I thought my Disney channel addiction was bad…"

last night, i tried to beat my parents home from out of town. they beat me by about five minutes. i thought i was dead but they didn't care.

my body is sore and i'm pretty sure i'm actually exhausted without even realizing it. i have moments where i can feel it and moments where i feel like i'm in top shape, caught up with my sleep. truth is, i can't even tell if that stupid depression is still around or not.

i s