"we don't act on what we don't believe."

"Boy of my dreams, say what?" I stared at the ring held between his fingers. "I don't know what to say, Will."

"I know it feels like its too soon and that's why its just a promise ring but if you can't accept it, I understand."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I don't even know where we stand as a couple."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you were so distant from me and those few weeks killed me. I've never cried over a boy before, Will, and I just don't think giving me a promise ring is going to take away the pain I felt, the emptiness you left me with."

"Oh." His eyes fell to the ground. I felt tremendously guilty for ruining this wonderful moment. This wonderful yet inappropriate moment. I watched him put the ring back in the box. "Will you at least think about it?"

I could feel tears forming. "I have to go." My phone started vibrating in my handbag. I checked the caller i.d.

"Who's that?"

"Alex." Shit. Great timing, huh? "Hey Alex, I can't really talk right now. I'll call you tomorrow."

"You're still talking to him?"

"Unlike you, he opens up to me." I shouldn't have said that.

"What the hell are we doing then, Jasey?"

I sighed heavily. What am I trying to say? What do I need to say? I feel like there's something caught in my throat. "I'm sorry I said that. It came out catty. Can we just, can we just start this night over?"

He hesitated, as if he was thinking of something to say. "I had plans. If you had said yes, I had a plan."

"You did?" I looked into his eyes. He stared at the open box, the ring shining reflections of the lantern's light, and nodded silently. "Tell me?"

Will looked up. "Come here," he replied softly. As I took the few steps towards him, he put the ring box in his pocket, and then put his hand on my face gently. I breathed a heavy gasp of air as my heart fluttered at his touch. I looked at his arm, tracing it back to his face. His eyes screamed of an unspoken pain. As he leaned in, I closed my eyes and waited.

His lips were soft, cautious. I kissed him back, more fiercely than I thought I had in me. With his other hand, he pulled me closer. I dropped my handbag and swung my arms around his neck, letting myself get caught into the moment.

He pulled himself away and I caught my breath. My insides twisted, a yearning I've never felt before trying to get out. I couldn't tell if it was mind, heart or soul that was trying to scream out but regardless, I wasn't sure how to let it out. I looked down, grabbed my handbag and fixed my dress. Will reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Do you want to see the rest of my plan?"

I nodded. He kissed my cheek. I let go of his hand so he could turn the lantern off. I was curious as to what his whole plan was and what was going to happen next. When he finished, we walked back to the street. "Where are we going?"

"My house."

Will's P.O.V.

We got to the bottom of the stairway. My parents were staying at a hotel for the night since they planned on staying the whole reception. We had the house to ourselves and all I had to do was light the way.

"Okay, go to the kitchen and get the champagne out of the refrigerator. There are champagne glasses in the cabinet over the sink." She nodded and made her way into the kitchen. I took out my lighter and started lighting the candles on the steps. The whole stairway was lit with those Glade candles, vanilla scent since that was the scent she used for her body spray. When I got to my bedroom, I opened the door. The rose petals were still spread everywhere, the bigger box in the middle of my bed. I lit the candles all along my desk, headboard and window sill.

"Will? Can I come- oh sweet Jesus..." I ran downstairs to find Jasey staring at the trail of candles, her mouth wide open. "Wha-"

"Surprise. I'll take those. Stay here." I grabbed the two glasses and the bottle she had in her hands and ran them upstairs. I came back down and she had taken off her heels. She looked up at me and I nodded. I grabbed her hand and led the way up the stairs slowly. When we got to the top of the stairs, she noticed the larger amount of light and followed it. When she got to my room, she gasped.

"Oh, Will. All of this was for me?" Her face changed from surprise to sadness.

"Jasey? What's wrong?" I grabbed her face and looked into her eyes. She had started crying, tears running slowly on the sides of her cheeks.

"I didn't say yes. I don't deserve this. I didn't say yes," she repeated. Her tears came out at an even pace now. "I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so-"

"Jasey, calm down. Stop crying, please? It's okay." She sniffled.

"What do you mean 'it's okay'? It's not okay."

"Look." I pointed to the wide, rectangular box in the middle of my bed. "See that box? That's for you. Go get it and I'll pour us a glass of champagne. I promise, it'll be okay."

She walked to the bed, reached in and grabbed the box. She stared at it for a few seconds then started to open it. When she pulled out the book, she looked at me, as if she was asking permission. I nodded and she flipped open the cover.

Jasey's P.O.V.

Picture after picture after picture of me. Some prints were in black and white and some were in color. Each picture, more poetically beautiful than the other. The sequence of them told a story about a girl. Not only were they in a sequence, they dated back to when I first moved here in sixth grade. I could tell by the subtleties in my face, the expressions, the details of me as I matured in the pages.

"Pictures of me?" I turned to Will. He was walking towards me with a glass of champagne. When he handed me a glass, I sniffed it.

"Is something wrong with the champagne?" He frowned.

"No, I've just never had any before." I took my glass and took a sip. Will started giggling. "What's this photo album for? Why are they all pictures of me?"

He stopped laughing. "I told you, one day I'd let you see the collection of photos I had of you."

I looked back and flipped through more pages. When I got to the last few pages, they were of us together, us and friends. I wondered what gave him the patience to wait for so long. "Wow."

"I hope you don't think I'm like a stalker or anything. I've just, you've always been beautiful to me."

I put the album on the bed, walked over to his desk and put the glass down, then walked up to Will and kissed him. My hands started playing with his hair, his hands grabbed my waist and pushed me away. I stared at him, waiting for him to ask me to stop. Instead, he reached behind me and pushed the album onto the floor.  He looked back at me with a hunger in his eyes.

"Come here," he whispered hoarsely. I walked back up to him and grabbed his face as I forced my lips onto his. He kissed me back twice as hard and soon enough, we were both gasping for air in between kisses. I started playing with his hair again as his lips moved from my lips to my neck, trailing kisses on the way down.

I let out a slight moan of pleasure, my stomach tingling from the high of excitement he was giving me. I started to remove my sweater, my bare shoulders exposed from my strapless dress. Will stopped and looked at them. He put his hand on my left shoulder and started to caress my skin tenderly. I watched his eyes and wondered what he was thinking.

It was in that moment that I realized what I'd been trying to say. The words I couldn't find suddenly blurted out before I could even form a sentence. "I love you."

Will stopped in his tracks and looked into my eyes. "What did you say?"

"Um. I just. I said, I love you."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, yes." I could see Will struggle to find the right expression for his face. "Ask me again."

"Ask you what?" I lightly put my hand on his pocket where the ring box was.

"Ask me again. Please." Without hesitation, he pulled the box from his pocket, and opened it. He removed it from the box, placing the box on the bed, then grabbed my left hand but waited.

"Jasey Rae, with this ring I promise to give you my heart, in its entirety, for as long as you'll have me." He paused and I smiled. "Will you, Jasey, please accept this ring? My promise?"

"Yes." Will smiled as he separated my ring finger from the others and slid the promise ring on. "But..."

"But?" Will looked at me, confused.

"But, by accepting this ring, I'd also like to make a promise. I want to promise you my heart in return as well, William Beckett. I want you to have my heart for as long as you desire."

Will kissed me again. "I will always want you, Jasey," he whispered in between breaths.

The next morning...

I woke up to the sound of a phone. I found the source of the vibrating and answered it, not even checking to see who's phone it was. "Ello?"

"Who's this?" a girl demanded.

"Who's this?" I grumbled back sleepily.

"Will?" she asked in a confused tone.

"Yeah," I groaned back. "What?"

"It's Holly. Why do you have Jasey's phone? Where's Jasey?! Did you murder her last night?! I swear to God, if you so much as pulled a hair from her he-" I heard rustling on the phone.

"Will?" I recognized that voice instantly.

"Yeah, Gabe?" Jasey stirred on her side of the bed. She flipped her body, facing me, and squinted as she tried to open her eyes. When she was able to focus, she smiled. "Good morning, beautiful."

"Will, where's Jasey?" Jasey giggled. I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked for the End Call button. "I hear her giggling! What did you guys do last-" Click.

Jasey's P.O.V.

I couldn't take it. I left the dance without saying good bye. Holly and Gabe were dancing while I sat alone.  Not worth the anguish of seeing happy couples slow dancing and making googley eyes when I have the opposite of that.

William's P.O.V.

I stared at my reflection. I knew better but was so caught up in planning the perfect night for her, for us, that I completely forgot about my aunt's wedding. I took a deep breath, took a quick glance at my phone then decided it was time to get back to the reception.

My mom found me before I even made it half way to our table. She held out her hand and waited for me to take it.  It was awkward dancing with my mother but it's what she wanted and dad never was much for it.

"I've already asked your aunt and she says it's okay if you want to leave and catch Jasey at the dance."

"You asked her? How does she know about Jasey?"

"Just because you don't talk doesn't mean we don't see, William. I've heard you singing and playing your guitar. She means a lot to you, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, she does. I think I'm falling in love with her, Mom, only I think it's too soon to tell."

"Well, when you think about her, what do you see in your head?"

"All I see is me and her together."

"Sounds to me, it's pretty close. But, only you can figure it out. Now go, before your aunt gets offended that you stayed. Just tell her 'goodbye' first."

I nodded and made my way on the dance floor to my aunt, dancing with my new uncle. "Aunt Stella, can I talk to you really quick?"

"Sure. Edward, we'll just be a second." Her husband nodded his head, smiled and asked a random guest to dance in the meantime. "Everything okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I just talked to mom and she said that you're okay with me leaving?"

"Well duh. Just because we're not close, William doesn't mean I don't care about your well being and your happiness. Now go, get your girl," she said, smiling. I gave her a hug, a wave to my new uncle, and then I was off.

Gabe's P.O.V.

I looked at our table. It was empty. Jasey was gone and so was her hand bag. She left without saying a word. "Shit!"

"What's wrong?" Holly asked, no longer dancing.

"Jasey left without saying anything."

"Oh no."

My phone started ringing. It was Will. "Hey dude."

"Did Jasey go with you and Holly to the dance?"

"She did but now she's gone. We just looked over to our table and noticed it."

"Damnit. Where was she going?"

"No idea, she left without saying anything."

"Okay. You and Holly stay there. I'll find her, it'll be okay. Tell Holly not to worry."

I turned to Holly. Will said he's going to look for her and for you not to worry. She gave me one of those "yeah right" faces and rolled her eyes.

"Okay," she sighed.

"Be careful, okay dude?"

"Yeah, I'll call you later." Click.

Jasey's P.O.V.

I didn't know where I was going. I just kept walking. Eventually, I ended up somewhere I least expected, Will's secret gazebo. I took my phone out of my handbag and used the background light to search for the lantern. Once I lit it up, I put my phone away and started looking around. There was sheet music everywhere, a guitar in the corner and a single rose next to it.

"Oh. I shouldn't have come here."

"I'm actually glad you did." I jumped at least five feet and turned around. Will was walking towards me in a tux. "You look amazing."

I blushed. "Thanks. Why are you here?"

"I was hoping to find you here. I called Gabe and he told me you had left. I don't know why I thought of the gazebo but something told me to try finding you here. Looks like I made a good call."

"Well, since you've found me, I guess I'll go home now." I started walking but Will grabbed my hand. I stopped. "Please let go."

"Just give me one minute, to explain."

"Explain what? Why you don't want me anymore?"

"You've got the wrong impression, Jasey. I want you more than words can express."

"Recent actions prove otherwise."

"I'm sorry I had to cancel on you. My aunt got married just a few hours ago, I had completely forgotten about it. She actually told me to leave so I could go to the dance, to dance with you."

"You were at a wedding?" He nodded. "That's why you didn't, couldn't go to the dance with me?"

"Yeah. I should've told you and I'm sorry you were sad."

"Its my fault for assuming something so foolish." He kept holding my hand as he walked towards the gazebo.  I followed, afraid to let go.

"I need to show you something." We stopped at the edge, the light from the lantern shining on his features. I looked into his eyes and realized how much I'd missed them. He pulled out a little box from his pocket. I recognized the box immediately.

"What are you doing with my ring box?" I've had that box since I was little, it was my favorite. Holly gave me a ring when we were kids, a plastic toy ring of course, but I kept it. I told myself that I'd keep it for my engagement ring, that I would need to hide it somewhere while I was famous and off singing on my world tour.

"Just, bear with me." He opened the box and there was a silver band with one single diamond in the center. I stared at the ring, and then looked up at William. "I've been distant these past few weeks and I'm so very sorry for hurting you. I needed time to think, to be sure of what I was feeling."

"And what exactly is that? What do you feel that makes you need to show me a ring?" He pulled the ring out of the box and put the box in his pocket. He took my left hand and waited.

"Jasey Rae, I'm falling in love with you. I'm probably already in love with you. I just want you to know that I'm here. This ring is a promise."

"A promise?"

"Yes. I promise to give you my heart." He waited for me to respond but I wasn't sure I could. "Jasey, will you, please, accept this ring, accept my heart?"

a flash when i least expect it and
i'm right back where i started
sitting alone on step number one
feeling cold and broken hearted
my life's falling into pieces
even when you're nowhere near me
but just one mention and i'm skipping breaths
thinking maybe, now you're seeing
all that we could've been, should've been
but will never get to be
you're too busy with your naive enchantments
while i'm too busy relapsing with no canvas

so let this serve as a reminder of the words we never said,
emotions never proven and actions always misread
i just can't believe it's over and my reflection still feels dead
i'm trying so hard
you were never my possesion yet the title feels just right
i still make believe i had you and i never lost the light
but only time can tell, has told me that i'm wrong
it's far too late now

take this last token of your memory
and shove it where you won't forget my name
you'll eat your words and what's worse,
i'll eat mine, in due time
you'll see me smile and i'll calmly wave
but inside you're turning to a shade of grey
and you'll see, you need me
i tried to tell you, i couldn't help you

i hope that when you see my face
you'll know you were my saving grace
all the lessons i learned from the heart you scorned
you'd think i'd have learned the first time around
yet here i am, been waiting all along
for you to see where i stood before
alone in the dark waiting for a sign
i was wrong, you were never right

it makes me wonder if you ever could see
between the lines of the things you'd read
we both know who they were for but you'd never say a word
you'd suffer in silence, the same story that's still old
i gave you my heart, i never said you could keep it
so please give it back so i can let go
i'm ready to jump but you still have my soul

i hope that when you see my face
you'll know you were my saving grace
all the lessons i learned from the heart you scorned
you'd think i'd have learned the first time around
yet here i am, been waiting all along
for you to see where i stood before
alone in the dark waiting for a sign
i was wrong, you were never right

i'm a liar and a fake to say that i don't care
which is why i say neither,
you have to understand
i'm still looking for a hand that was never there to find
i hope you're still holding on as hard as i'm trying to say "no"
even in my dreams, you're forever my home

and i hope that when you see my face
you'll know you were my saving grace
all the lessons i learned from the heart you scorned
you'd think i'd have learned the first time around
yet here i am, been waiting all along
for you to see where i stood before
alone in the dark waiting for a sign
we were wrong, i was never right

they said "give it time, he'll come around"
but the sun's gone down and i'm still alone
i wonder if he'll ever find his way back home
does he know that when he does, i'll be gone?
i'll take the time and leave a note,
never look back but still hope he knows
how much it hurts to grab my things and go,
just some lines on some paper, that's all she wrote



no, that's not gonna work.



let's try this again...


still holding my breath waiting for that one sign that one moment of truth when you realize you were wrong but i know you'll never see so blinded by your world
i tried to tell you my pain
but you were focused on yourself
i've never been more wounded
than the way you've left me now
i hate myself for letting you break down
those rebuilt walls
and i hate you for coming back
for promising me those lies
you said you'd never hurt me
yet i sleep alone at night





this will be the last time i let my make up run
the last tear i shed, the last mention of your name
i'm so sick of this story, the ending never changes
consider this my resignation
i give up

 

its a few minutes before ten. i should be getting ready for bed, not online and watching a trailer. i'm not sure what to make of it except compare it to its' predecessor and hope for the best. regardless of my judgement, its the underlying reason for my dwelling that's making me think, feel, blog.

i see you. i see me. it's outside in your driveway and staring at the stars. we used to talk about everything on nights like that. really, it didn't matter where we were because we talked about everything no matter where we were. maybe that's why i never understood how our communication was so unbalanced, so wrong.

like the character you remind me of, the prince in my story, you've distanced yourself and i notice the distraction. then comes the moment when you break free and leave me clean, standing alone and lost in a stupor. i can't think, i can't breathe. my whole world has just crashed.

you always send me into a spiral. you're not around and i'm fine, i promise. i know it doesn't seem that way since i'm always nostalgic but if you paid any attention to what i had to say, if you just once weren't "kinda busy" and spent time with me, maybe you'd see that all i do is think about things.

i miss our long talks. i miss your stupid jokes. i miss the faces you make when i have a good burn. i miss the way you hugged me, whether i was coming or going. i miss my best friend, the one who will always know me best.

i don't know who you are now. i'm not sure i ever knew at all. i think a part of me knew that it was all a fantasy that i'd created in my head, maybe that's why things worked out so well in the beginning but ended harshly in the end. then again, maybe it was just fate's funny way of telling you "fairy tales end for a reason, dumb ass!"

nobody reads my blogs anymore. supposedly, you'll read every once in a while. it doesn't matter anymore, i know these entries are here and maybe that's why i still bother writing them. i was never good at keeping a hand written journal so this is the next best thing, the closest i'll ever get to therapy, i suppose.

i've lost my train of thought. i keep doing that everytime i have a purpose. perhaps, that's the whole idea of it though, that i don't have a purpose. it doesn't matter anymore, nothing matters anymore. i should stop thinking all together but when you're stuck in a rut, trapped in the well and so deep that you're barely touching the surface... maybe all you have left is thoughts to keep you going.

i think back a year ago, when i worked at primrose and lived in leander. it was the verge of summer and the temperature was rising quickly. now, i'm back in liberty hill. i work for a pathology company and jessica is all i have. i've loved and lost the same person again. i've spent the last six months trying to regain my balance and basically, relearn who i am. i've had so many break downs mentally, therapy should be mandatory instead of a mere suggestion by the psychiatrist who prescribed my mood stablizer.

i'm still not calm and collected. i get happy and sad just as quick as a good day can turn bad. i'm up later than i should be and stay in bed until the very last minute i can without being late to work. i'm unhappy. that's nothing new. i hate who i am. that's not new either. i'm more self aware of how my mind works. that's a scary thing to be aware of. most days, i can't tell if i'm telling the truth or lying when i tell my reflection "everything is going to be okay."

i had this idea of writing a book about memories. memories, hopes, goals, dreams [day and night], thoughts of kindness, realizations for the better and the worse, facts about myself that you may or may not have noticed. i want to write a book about anything but a story but when you stop to think about it, all those things listed above tell a story. my memories give you a look into my mind, my past and why i am who i am. they tell a story, all the memories, the goals, the dreams, the epiphanies and facts. i'm a contradiction in myself.

its been a long time since i've been able to write like this, long paragraphs with no holds barred as to what i'm saying, how i feel or how long it is. it feels nice and i wish i had the same inspiration, the same motivation to write for my story or lyrics. god only knows how badly i need to harness the creativity. mom thinks i'm in a manic state. i've read that in manic states, creativity is a big role. i don't think i'm in a manic since i can't write for shit. i can't draw, when i stop to write nothing comes out and i stare at a blank piece of paper, a blank screen.

its been six months and i'm still at a stand still, like it was day one. i'm moving on and that's only because he's not around. he's always "kinda busy" and i always get "kinda" let down, "kinda" disappointed, "kinda" heart broken. he makes me loathe myself, for loving him and putting faith in him. i won't say he was a mistake, the mistake was trusting myself with him again. i know i'm stating the obvious but i'm hoping that if i repeat it to myself, if i keep reminding myself how much i consistantly keep torturing myself over him, maybe it will sink thru and i can let go on my own and not just because he's never around, not because he's always "kinda busy".

i want to be inspired. i want to be appreciated. i want to be admired. i want to be wanted. i want to be needed. i want to be loved. is that too much to ask for?

isn't that what i deserve?

i want to write a book. i should write a book. it will probably be the shittiest book you've ever read but morgan, manny and jenn have already agreed to read it so i guess that's worth something. its good to know that my pyscho babble stories are worth listening to.

i'm good. i bought myself a camera. i'm taking care of myself, not letting myself stress over the small stuff. everytime i remind myself just how lonely i am, i remind myself how independent i've always been as well. its not exactly a good thing but it's positive enough to balance out the negative. i like this place, this peaceful place that i'm in. i hope my stay lasts long.

i'm still having a million inner monolauges a day, each one surpassing the next when it comes to how good it would've been as a chapter in my book. i need to work on writing, i've been slacking and its disappointing.
 
i also did some research. yes, pete wentz is actually manic depressive [i'm such a stupid, horrible fan for not knowing] as well as others i wouldn't have expected... Ben Stiller, Sting, Francis Ford Coppola, Tim Burton, Presidents Lincoln and T. Roosevelt... the list goes on and so did my amazement. maybe i'm still just as naive as ever. maybe i just never took the time to look for the signs. i still feel awkard about being open about this whole "mental illness" deal. i'm functional so i can't really be "sick" can i? my stepmom still isn't convinced.

maybe i am just making things up, maybe i'm really just a hypocondriac. maybe i was just looking for something to blame all my shitty card dealings from life on. maybe God decided to change things up, get rid of some of the monotony in my life so i'm not so boring when he watches me up above. you've got to admit, the same episode of a tv show would get boring after 22 years, am i right?

we're almost here, again. 

friday, i broke down. i cried for six hours, threw the second stuffed rabitt you bought me as well as the yang side of the necklace pair i bought for us and then took off the Texa tee you gave me years ago, the one i wear to bed when i want to have a piece of you in my sleep. i wrote three extremely long and depressing pages about how i felt about life, love, you and everyone else.

i have so many things to say, so many thoughts buzzing in my mind that when i want to talk to someone, to vent and let off the pressure, i don't trust anyone enough. its not that i don't trust them to be a confidant, i just have too many precious thoughts to tell anyone out of fear that i'll sound like i'm out of my mind. there's one person i do trust enough to tell everything, every single last detail and of course, he's never there when i need him the most. when i start moving on, he makes his way back into my path which brings me back to square one.

i'm done.

when i left, you said we could make it work. instead, you were gone all the time with your friends doing only you know what and left my to suffer insanity. my anxiety issues and your lack of assurance led to our demise as well as the distance taking its toll. i came back after two years and stayed silent for a reason. i wasn't ready to face you. i had accepted all that had happened, good times and the bad terms we had last spoke on. seeing you again would crush me and for that reason, i asked for the few who knew to mention nothing of my return.

you saw me one day, thinking it was a look a like girl in the distance. my return was confirmed and i can't remember what prepared me for the first visit back to your house but we rekindled our friendship that day. i thanked God for the moment you walked down the stairs, smiled at me and opened your arms out to me. i had one of my most trusted friends back in my life and it meant the world. we saw each other randomly and by some higher power, we were given a second chance at love.

it was bliss. i had butterflies the first day i saw you after it was official and i couldn't hold back my happiness. when you stared into my eyes, it felt like home and like i'd never left. time went on and we both came to see changes in the other. somehow, you got caught up in your world and i got left behind instead of being involved. i know you see things differently and you're entitled to your views but what you don't see is a broken heart that had healed just enough to get by only to be shattered by the same cause as before.

my best friend is sick and is smitten with someone who is wrong for her. she's happy and ignorance is bliss but what's going to happen when things get worse than they already are for her and he hides in fear? what if they get serious and she does make it to her wedding day? i'll still be stuck in second place, left behind once more.

i have another close friend who will be moving across the world very soon. when i visit, not only am i reminded of the short time we have, she spends most of it talking to her over seas military man. i understand its a disadvantage in a long distance relationship but along side watching her new baby girl, she talks to him quite often. even when we have adult time, i feel out of place while she's online and in a conversation. when it comes to being left behind, third person's the charm.

some of you may think my actions are over dramatic, some roll your eyes when i answer your questions with words like "bi-polar" or "depression", sometimes even "lonely" but as you can see, i feel justified in feeling so. i don't want apologies or pity, "i'm sorry's" or "i'll try harder's". i simply wanted to get some of this down somewhere other than in my bedroom when i'm alone at night, talking to myself.

i don't care if you care. i don't care if he cares. as far as i'm concerned, he never did and all his stories were just lies to keep what was comfortable close. there's nothing you can do to change my mind, nothing you can say to heal my heart and not a miracle in the world that can piece back together my soul.

if you've taken the time to read this, thank you. whatever your reason, albeit boredom or genuine concern, please know that it was not easy for me to bare my soul so openly as i have just done.

i hope you have a nice day, night, wherever you are.

my veins itch and i haven't had my dose yet
the withdrawls are getting better by the day
my whole life changed when you walked away
you'll never know all the things you do to me
and i'm trying so hard
without you
and i'm just fine
without you

until i think about it, until i speak about it
that's when my mind starts to drift away
when i remember the way we ended
what never should been in the first place
you said you'd always be there
i said i'd let my walls back down again
and now, you've left me all alone
right back at square one

my dreams are of nothing but your face
i'm so tired of all the time i've wasted
still thinking that maybe you'd realize
that i'm the missing piece in your life
and i'm trying so hard
without you
and i'm just fine
without you

until i think about it, until i speak about it
that's when my mind starts to drift away
when i remember the way we ended
what never should been in the first place
you said you'd always be there
i said i'd let my walls back down again
and now, you've left me all alone
right back at square one

you've seen every part of me
you make feel like i am free
i held on to you so tightly
but lately, i just keep slipping
give me something, anything
so i know that we weren't for nothing
why can't you open your eyes and see
that i'm right here waiting
and i'm trying so hard
without you
and i'm just fine
without you

until i think about it, until i speak about it
that's when my mind starts to drift away
when i remember the way we ended
what never should been in the first place
you said you'd always be there
i said i'd let my walls back down again
and now, you've left me all alone
right back at square one

pressed for words, a lack of time
she'll stare at her journal in hopes of a line
something clever, perhaps even profound
but the truth is, you see, her inspiration is gone.
she stumbles in the restless morning,
takes aid to get sleep at night and
her heart's on the verge of breakdown
but really all the pain is trapped inside her mind
don't you see her smiling?
can't you hear her cries?
they're fading, she's dying
and you won't say your goodbyes
your heart was in the right place,
thoughts scattered into the universe
so naturally when she needed you,
you where were you should'nt be,
everywhere else but by her side
which leaves her
alone

i feel a type of pressure. the bone crushing, can't escape, take your very last breath hostage kind of pressure. i thought i would do better, i hoped i'd do better but i'm slipping farther and farther into this black hole that sucks the life out of me.

i said i'd sever ties. i did. you came back. i spilled my guts and got help. i started medication and my impatience to feel "normal" has me convinced that on night two, i'm an impossible case. i need to escape so badly but i'm petrified to leave my space. i can't explain all the thoughts that rush through my brain as i silently cry and type this.

i've been dreaming. i've been dreaming and remembering my dreams. i haven't remembered my dreams since i was in california. there's so much happening and i can't take it anymore. i want things to go back the way they were, hearts and wrists intact...

i can see us, on the couch watching tv at midnight on what has turned into saturday. my head is on your lap and i'm sleeping soundly, tired from a hard day's work and you, watching me sleep and making sure i'm okay in whatever dreamland i'm in. you caress my cheek and smile because i'm the only one you've ever wanted as you are the only one i'll ever need.

instead, i come home and debate if i have the patience to check my email accounts or even return anyone's text messages. i change, throw everything on the floor and play with my phone out of habit. i'll turn on the tv and watch it mindlessly. once in a while, you'll text me and i'll smile, thankful for your unofficial company, a small spark of pleasure knowing that you want to talk to me.

i spend my nights forcing myself to go to sleep, almost midnight. my body is exhausted, my emotions blue in the face from the pressure of bottling up inside and my mind wants to just turn off as if there was a switch.

nobody ever calls to see if i'm okay except my mom and occasionally, angie. manny will text when i don't tweet every ten minutes and morgan is basically my only friend. jessica is off with her prepubescent boyfriend, the one who keeps pulling her further into her own sunken level of maturity and self absorbance. its getting to the point where they're attached to the hip; i can't get no satisfaction of alone time when he never leaves her side.

i hate living in east jesus nowhere and what's worse, i feel more alone than ever. time keeps slipping thru my fingers, each day longer than the next. night creeps up on me and while i feel no need for sleep, my body cries for it like my very last breath. there's no win situation, just the peroulous fight that we call existance.

wake up. go to work. come home. kill time. dream a hidden message. rinse and repeat.

i severed the ties. i hate myself for it. i'm proud of myself for doing it. i've hurt like this once before and i refuse to go down that road again. most of my lows pertained to him, how much i miss him, what i feel or don't feel. i hate the fact that you're still on my mind all the fucking time. you're like a plague and there's no fucking cure. it sickens me how someone who deserves better will allow herself to settle for less. a part of me hates you and everything you are, everything you're not. you promised me and i believed you... i broke down my walls again and i believed you... god, i'm so stupid. you make me stupid and you know it. you know every single thing you do to me and i bet deep down, you love it. you love how i pine over you and that i would take you back in a heart beat. you sit there and leave me in the dark, again, to rot in my misery and all the while, you tell me you're there for me whenever i need you.

guess what sweet cheeks. you left me when i did need you. i still need you. you're the only one i ever needed. and you left. you were never there. you're still gone. you always will be. and i'm done. fuck you. fuck the next girl you fall in love with. i wish you both happiness and the best fucking happy ending ingnorance can buy.

a heart so fragile and tame,
your breath keepss slipping further away
i can see the sunset light up in your eyes
and it still gets harder every time
a gentle laugh, a stolen smile
you don't know how hard i've worked just to run
my world will end when you speak your last word
while the rest of my heart will crumble and fall apart
don't leave me now, don't leave me ever
i'll be by your side until the very end

 

 

 

get better.
you have to.
i can't do this alone.

it always tries to shoot you down but you've already been saved.

life gets harder by the day. every task you perform, every step you take and decision you decide impacts your future regardless of how sublte the change. i want to start living for me, not for what i think people want. not to say i did that before, but at the same time, i'm not enjoying life like i should. like i deserve.

i'm tired of listening to beautiful but sad songs that remind me of a love lost which never should've been found in the first place. i'm sick of pining over someone who won't return any type of sentiment. we don't talk. we don't hang out. you wanted to keep touch? awesome, thanks for checking on me.

i read the same books over and over again. i keep wishing on stars that one day, i'll get my own love story. i'll have a love like edward and bella, i'll be dating someone who's intellectual and sophisticated and intelligent and well mannered, old fashioned like him. the list goes on and on about him being everything i'm not but wish i was, wish i had in my soul mate. i long for the days when i can keep someone in my heart and still smile at the end of the day.

i hate the emptiness you left me with. i hate that you let me down, again. i hate that i let you promise that you'll never hurt me, again. i hate that i trusted you. i hate you.

i told myself i'm going to start running. i'm going to budget better and start saving. i won't let the small stuff get to me unless it's a small piece of the big picture. i'm going to color more often and sing louder, harder, once more with feeling. i'm not afraid of the future, i'm afraid of failure. it's not in my blood, i know it. i can feel it more than i feel your easy words so here and now, i take a stand. i'm putting my foot down from now on. from now on, i will be better than i was before.

i will be me.

i'm not who i thought i was. i'm exactly who i think i am. my life is the one song you hate yet can't stop singing along to when it plays on the radio. i'm never happy when i should be, always angry over something petty. i'm not pretty but i am amazing. one contradiction after another and still, you're reading this as if you give a damn what i have to say, think, feel.

maybe i'm just paranoid. maybe my conclusions are leading up to the climactic ending. this chapter is the one you should've skipped; i promise you won't miss anything important except maybe a few break downs along the way.

there's no more sense of self. i'm as worthless as a bikini in alaska but you still come to visit, with the purpose of intervention, to give me some attention in hopes that i'll stir away from the dark hole i'm heading towards. faster than the speed of light, i'm slipping and neither of us can stop it, nor were we meant to. need to. i wish you would put your hand in mine, call me your friend and sing me a sad song. no words can persuade me to change what's not my control. the melody has spoken and i shall sing no more for you, for me, for anyone who has ears and listens. silence is as golden as the friends you share it with. now, my friend, i'm sharing it with you.

i feel the need to tell my life's story to every stranger i meet at work. i just want to talk the whole entire time i have their attention and when they're not talkative, i feel offended.

i eat. all. the. time. even when i'm not hungry, i want to eat. it's as if i'm eating for five sometimes, my appetite has increased so much.

when i'm happy, my thoughts race faster than i can process for the most part. it's hard to write in my journal while staying on one topic. sometimes, my focus is lost and i'll write my thoughts as they randomly appear in my head, when i look back, i get confused at the speed of one subject to another.

the insomnia is coming back. i had to buy sleep aids. i've only taken one. i'm saving them for extreme cases, especially since i have a low tolerance for medications. the thought of needing them at all irritates me but when it's eleven thirty at night, you wake up several times during the night and wake up wide eyed at five a.m. week day mornings... the lack of sleep catches up with you faster than you can think about it. true story, you should've seen me friday.

i've never realized how sad i can be. at the drop of a dime, my world has crashed and burned. it gets harder by the day to think of distractions but i have so much going on right now, i'm running out of pretty pictures to paint. i hate crying. i hate people knowing i'm crying. i just hate it. it's happening all the time now. the littlest thing will set me off and suddenly, i want to have a good cry fest over nothing, spilt milk. i get reclusive and antisocial, no energy or motivation. i'm a vegetable.

my mom is bi polar. ages 16-24 are the average years that someone is diagnosed. the most common case is manic depressive. i believe i am one of those cases. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and i'm scared of what i'll find out. there's nothing to be scared of, really, but to someone who's never had to deal with mental issues personally, i'm scared to holy hell. what if i am bi polar? what if i need anti depressants? i'll be taking them for the rest of my life. no vacations from it, it's take the pill or have an episode.

i know people who are bi polar. mom. manny. my aunt becky. jessica. i never once thought i would really have the possibility of me being diagnosed. i used to joke about my mood swings but in reality, i knew there was something abnormal about me. the reality i'm facing is not one i would've chosen, obviously, but i'm remaining as optmistic as i can. maybe, it's all in my head, a figment of my imagination instead of just being in my head, like a chemical inbalance that needs to be medicated constantly to make things back to nornal.

i'm telling you this so you don't think something is wrong. there is, just not how you would think. i'm asking you to stay, by my side, and show your support thru this. i'll be an emotional wreck, much like i seem to be now. i've been a rollercoaster the past few months, more so than i've ever been aware in my whole life. if i seem distant, it just means i need some time to myself. if i'm overly close, maybe it's that way for a reason other than me being a crack pot, lol.

i wasn't joking when i said i need you now more than ever.

i was tipsy. incoherent enough to not drive home but fully aware that i was holding your hand. the whole night, i tried so hard to be normal. later, you told me i was obvious to the tenth degree. i don't think it mattered that you started out testing me. eventually, you wanted it too, or else you wouldn't have grabbed my hand or return the gestures of affection.

i had every intention of stealing your bed. it was probably a good idea that i was given the couch because me and the stairs would've had a fight to the death. chances are, the stairs would've won. i remember your mom making jokes, saying good night then going to her room. your friend was on the air mattress and i was watching you the whole entire time you smoked your cigarette in the garage. i wanted, secretly at the time, for you to kiss me. there have been a few times in my life where i would've given anything to have a certain something, a few of them involving you. that was one of those moments. my body ached for your touch, my lips burned for your taste again. i swear, it took all of my will to not say a word or make a movement.

i tried to distract my thinking, look anywhere but at you. it workd for the most part, not looking at you, but i still wanted that kiss. i stared at the walls and memories flooded my mind. i honestly never thought i'd be in your house again, let alone under the influence of alcohol, especially in front of you. i think you laughed at my giddiness. for sure, new year's was a crack up but it was halloween. no costume, no masks or pretend personalities. everything was real and somehow, that made all the more difference.

you finished your cigarette, turned off the lights and went upstairs while wishing us good night. i sighed, closed my eyes and tried to contain my disappointment. i can't remember when it was, but you confessed later that you wanted to kiss me. two months after everything went down, i remember that moment clear as day. i have the worst memory in the world and you remind me constantly but the happiest memories that i have, the ones i truly remember, involve you.

some days, you're part of my low moments. i can't help but think of you, good or bad, and i feel an empty space inside my heart. some secrets weren't meant to be told but we both know this is no secret. i still love you as much as i did two months ago, and the two months before that, the two years before that and the almost ten months before that. my life is starting to crumble into pieces and still, you're the first person i want to run to. you told me you'd never leave me, i hope that's still true. i need you now more than ever, it doesn't matter if we're just friends or more.

you're the star in my sky but i can't seem to find the light.

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it.
I can't feel it. I can hear it.
I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."